


Dear Connor Murphy

by Marzipan0



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson, Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson (Broadway Cast) RPF
Genre: AU where Connor lives, Anxiety and panic attacks, Blackmail, Depression, Drama, Drugs and drug use, Everybody Lives, I think this qualifies as slow burn, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Treebros, Treebros is endgame, pretend friends, relationships/pinings don't stay the same the entire time, suicide ideation
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-16
Updated: 2018-09-14
Packaged: 2019-04-01 06:12:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 27,673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13992162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marzipan0/pseuds/Marzipan0
Summary: Connor thought the letter read like a suicide note. Wait. "Dear Evan Hansen...sincerely your best and most dearest friend, Me"Did Evan Hansen forge a suicide note for Connor Murphy? Then had the gall to try and take it back? He wasn't getting off that easily.Evan is more persistent in retrieving his therapy letter for Dr. Sherman. Connor takes a picture and threatens to post the letter online if Evan doesn't have lunch with him for the rest of the year. With no other options, Evan agrees.





	1. The Letter

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome! This is my first time posting on AO3, so let me know if I'm doing things wrong.  
> This entire work will deal with the heavy themes from Dear Evan Hansen (anxiety, mental health, suicide, etc). Every chapter deals with them to one extent or another and so this is the only warning I'll give...besides the ones in the tags. Let me know if I'm missing any.

Connor took a deep breath and entered the school. This was going to be the worse day ever. He flattened his hair strategically in front of his face, glad his mother had finally stopped policing his appearance. It was much nicer to have something to hide behind.

The only thing that would make today better was if he could still have his phone and music. Then he could just blast out everyone else and pretend he wasn’t even here. The high from this morning was still carrying him, but he knew it would last much longer. His parents had successfully stolen the rest of his stash so there was no hope in building that high back up before dealing with the jerks of his year.

He looked down and walked down the hall. Only five more minutes until class when someone will poke him in the back with their pencil or kick his chair until he explodes. Always how it went. Wonder when the rumors will start again, violent Connor plans on bringing a gun to school. If he had a gun, he definitely wouldn’t be using it to shoot up a school.

He almost ran into someone while he was thinking. It was Evan, Evan Hansen. His lungs immediately vacated all its air and refused to take anymore. The numbing from his high let him wave at Evan _as if they were friends_!! It was dumb, Evan never noticed him and this time was no different. He felt as if the last bit of his high blew out of him like a balloon.

When he made it to the end of the hallway after that fiasco, he looked at his watch. Four more minutes until he could go to class and wait for the rest of the horrors of the day. Was this how he was going to spend the rest of the day? Year? Life?

He turned down another hallway and continued moving. If he stopped he would be a target. Keep moving, it was the best tactic. Not like anyone wanted to talk to him.

“Hey, Connor!” A male voice pulled Connor from his angry pacing through the halls. He stopped.

“I’m loving the new hair length—”

Was he actually hearing this correctly? There was a guy in his school complimenting his hair…Jared Kleinmann? Maybe he should have fought for his long hair—

“—very school shooter chic.”

Of course, this wasn’t a compliment. This was let’s play with Connor until he explodes, some weird form of chicken. He glared with all the hatred boiling just under the surface. He could keep his cool. He surreptitiously took a deep breath.

“I’m kidding. It was a joke.” Jared said, egging Connor on.

“Yeah, no,” Connor found himself saying, luckily it wasn’t yelling. “It was funny. I’m laughing. Can’t you tell? Am I not laughing hard enough for you?”

Jared laughed. “You’re such a freak.” Then he left.

Connor stared at the empty space, glad that Jared hadn’t pushed him anymore. He was less than the width of a piece of paper from losing it today. There was still laughter and Connor lost it.

“What the fuck are you laughing at?” Connor rounded on the audience laughing at his expense.

“What?”

Feigned innocence was the worst! Rage boiled through every vein.

“Stop fucking laughing at me!”

“I’m not.”

It was Evan. He just blew up at Evan.

“You think I’m a freak?”

Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Evan thought he was a freak and was up with Jared and the rest of them in thinking he was going to kill them all because he wore black and preferred to be alone.

“I’m not the freak,” he found himself speaking over whatever Evan was saying…maybe he was still a little high…tears were brimming in his eyes now. “You’re the fucking freak!”

His hands were filled with warmth and Evan was on the ground. FUCK!

Connor ran to the bathroom and slammed himself into a stall and punched the door. Tears were falling from his face, hopefully no one saw them on his way here. He kicked something or other and the toilet and punched the stall walls. He heard someone scramble out of the bathroom. Of course, this would be the rumor to start the year. Connor bullied poor Evan Hansen and then started destroying the bathroom.

Fuck, fuck fuck! He shoved Evan Hansen. What was he thinking? Evan fucking Hansen.

Connor was leaning his face against the stall door, pounding with his fist to hide the sound of his sobs. He wanted Evan to notice him, but not in that way. Shit. This was why everyone hated him. He knew it and he tried to stop, but he couldn’t. It was dumb. He was dumb and dangerous. No wonder everyone thought he was going to kill everyone. He would, on accident!

The bell rang and Connor remained in the bathroom. No one wanted him in class anyway. He would just end up hurting someone else.

Connor had no idea how long it had been, but he was sitting on the toilet when the PA system made an announcement.

“Connor Murphy, please make your way to the office. Connor Murphy, please come to the office.”

He hadn’t even gone to his first class and he was already in trouble. There was no way this year was going to be worth all the pain.

 

He passed Zoe on his way into the office. She pretended not to notice him, as usual at school. He wished she wasn’t so ashamed of him, but he knew there was not much to be proud of with him.

“Connor Murphy,” the principal said as Connor entered the office. “Is it true that you shoved Evan Hansen today?”

Connor sighed and took his usual seat in front of the desk as he nodded in response to the question.

“Were you aware that Evan Hansen suffers from acute social anxiety disorder?”

Connor shrugged. He knew something was up with him since he didn’t do class presentations since he passed out that one time.

“Well, he does and your behavior today only makes it harder on him.”

Connor sunk lower into his seat at the thought that he made Evan’s day worse. Evan had a harder time at everything than him and here he was pushing him around like he was a fool. He held the tears in his eyes. The principal didn’t need to know he felt bad about hurting Evan.

“For your behavior, you will serve in-school-suspension for the rest of today. I—I know you don’t mean to be this way…Why don’t you try and be friends with Evan? He needs them just as much as you.”

Connor didn’t reply. He hadn’t thought that Evan was friendless. He saw him with Jared or Alana or Zoe on the rare occasion. Being friends with Evan sounded nice.

“Well, make your way to detention. I know you know your way.”

With the principal’s final words, Connor left and made his way to the empty detention room. It was much nicer than being in class with everyone else.

 

When the bell for the end of the day rang, Connor had decided that he would try to be friends with Evan. It was something small but if he could manage it, it would be worth it. He stepped out and headed to the computer lab to wait for when Zoe finished her rehearsal for whatever musical groups she was in this year. It would nice to watch some youtube videos since his phone was confiscated along with his computer and computer privileges.

It was quiet in the computer lab since no one had any real homework yet. Connor would miss that in a few days when it filled up.

Connor was about to play some of his own music from the speakers since the computer lab assistant had their headphones in when the door opened to the lab. Damn it, no music time for him. He looked up and saw Evan Hansen.

Evan Hansen. There was just something poetic about his name. He didn’t even have that going for himself. Connor Murphy, who the fuck thinks Connor and Murphy go together…of course his parents did when he was born, but they didn’t know anything. Connor Murphy totally sounded like the name of a school shooter.

Evan gave a shrug-wave as he made his way into the lab before taking a call on his phone. As he picked up his phone, Connor realized one of his arms was in a cast.

Shit! Had he broken Evan’s arm this morning? No…there was no way he would be back at school already if that was the case, would he?

Connor sunk his head into his hands. He could just apologize. If someone was humble enough to apologize that would make someone want to try being friends, right? But what if he hadn’t actually broken Evan’s arm and Evan only thought he wanted to talk to him because he felt guilty? He did feel guilty, but he was only using it as motivation for a long-held desire to talk to him. He couldn’t let Evan know that or else he would be creepy and stalker-ish. What could he do?

As Connor was pouring over all the possible options and happenings, he heard the lab printer go off. He looked over to Evan, but he hadn’t gotten up. Evan looked distressed.

Connor looked to the printer and back at Evan. He could do this. It wasn’t like everything weighed in balance when he talked to Evan…just whether or not he cruelly bullied poor innocent Evan and broke his arm or if he could actually make a friend with someone else who didn’t have a friend or if he could prove to be able to not freak out.

He picked up the paper from the printer and headed to Evan, taking a deep breath before approaching Evan.

“So, um, what happened to your arm?”

Evan turned, surprised to see Connor there. Connor tried to not let that bother him. Butterflies started moving in his stomach for being so close to Evan.

“Oh, I um, I fell out of a tree actually.”

Connor laughed from his nerves and relief that he hadn’t broken his arm. “You fell out of a tree?” Why was he laughing at Evan’s misfortunes? He was such a jerk! “That is just the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever heard.”

Evan gave a nervous chuckle. “I know.”

Both of their laughing suddenly stopped leaving an empty silence. Connor looked at his cast since Evan’s face was making him nervous.

“No one’s signed your cast.” The principal had been right. Evan didn’t have friends. Connor didn’t really believe it.

“No, I know,” Evan said, rubbing it self-consciously.

“I’ll sign it,” Connor suggested, avoiding looking up into Evan’s face. This was how you made friends, right?

“Oh, um…you don’t have to,” Evan said, trying to blow it off.

Connor patted his pockets realizing that his parents had stopped letting him have Sharpies after he got in trouble for vandalizing stuff at school.

“Do you have a Sharpie?”

Evan exchanged a look with Connor. Connor held a baited breath. Evan would likely reject him for what happened this morning.  He should apologize, but it was a bad idea to bring it up. No, it was better to not say anything.

Evan finally handed over a marker to Connor and Connor eagerly opened it. The scent of the Sharpie hit Connor’s nose and he felt suddenly and completely comfortable like he was writing his name on his new pencil box that fit his entire marker set. He wrote his name in all caps.

As soon as he was done and held the marker out for Evan to take back, he froze, seeing how largely he had signed the cast. That had been the worst idea ever. What was he doing, trying to claim Evan?

“Oh, great,” Evan said, examining Connor’s work. “Thanks.”

Evan thought that Connor had been ridiculous too.

“Now we can both pretend that we have friends,” Connor said gruffly, hoping to play it off.

There was an awkward silence before Evan reached out for the marker and replied, “Good point.”

Evan really needed someone and Connor was not that person. There was no way Connor could do this. He went to turn and leave, but he noticed the paper in his hands. The top of it read, “ _Dear Evan Hansen_.” Of course, Evan might just not have friends locally. Evan didn’t need him.

“Is this yours?” Connor said, holding out the paper. “I found it on the printer.” Failing to tell him that he grabbed it for an excuse to talk to Evan and pretend he didn’t already know his name and situation. “’Dear Evan Hansen,’ that’s your name, right?”

Evan’s face flashed in fear. What was this paper that he was afraid for Connor to see? Did he have a secret boyfriend? That would be an interesting turn of events.

“Oh, that’s just a stupid….it’s a paper I had to write for, a, um, for an assignment…” Evan stuttered as Connor looked at the paper.

The first thing that caught his eye was the Z in the second paragraph, Zoe. Zoe? That was his sister’s name.

“’Because there’s Zoe.’” Connor read out loud without realizing it. Shit. “Is this about my sister?”

“ _Because there’s Zoe. And all my hope if pinned on Zoe. Who I don’t even know and who doesn’t know me. But maybe if I did. Maybe if I could just talk to her, then maybe…maybe nothing would be different at all_.” Connor read to himself.

Pinned on Zoe. Partially sexual and moderately creepy, but Connor knew Evan and Zoe had talked a few times. That means it was fake, a fake letter written so he would find it.

“You wrote this because you knew I would find it.” Connor said.

“What?” Evan replied again. He had done this earlier when Jared had called him a school shooter. He wasn’t actually alone and friendless, he was teamed up with everyone else. Teamed up in playing chicken to get a rise out of Connor.

“You saw that I was the only other person in the computer lab, so you wrote this and printed it out, so I would find it.” Connor said, realizing there was no other explanation.

“Why—?”

“So I would read some creepy shit you wrote about my sister and freak out, right?” Connor said, his voice rising as he realized Evan was just another one of the people who wished Connor didn’t exist. “And then you can tell everyone that I’m crazy, right?”

“No, wait. I don’t even…what?” Evan said.

Connor didn’t want to reveal that Evan had also broken his heart and not just angered him.

“FUCK YOU!” Connor shouted and ran out of the room, once again hiding tears as he ran from the room.

He found himself in the bathroom again and knowing that it was after school hours he locked the main door to really be alone. He leaned up against the door and slid to sit on the ground, silent tears streaming down his face.

Fuck. Evan Hansen wrote a pretend letter to himself from Connor to prove that Connor was a lunatic. I’m sure the cast signing would end up in the story he told everyone tomorrow.

 _Connor got so mad at me for printing a silly letter,_ Evan would tell everyone. _He got mad and yelled at me and then forced me to let me write his name on his cast. He’s totally a creep._

This was why he didn’t want to go to school. This was why he didn’t even want to leave the house. This was why the world would be better off without him.

When the tears slowed, he read the whole letter.

 “ _Dear Evan Hansen:_

_It turns out this wasn’t an amazing day after all. This isn’t going to be an amazing week or an amazing year. Because…Why would it be?_

 “ _Oh, I know. Because there’s Zoe. And all my hope is pinned on Zoe. Who I don’t even know and who doesn’t know me. But maybe if I did. Maybe if I could just talk to her, then maybe…maybe nothing would be different at all.”_

Someone tried the door, but the door was locked. They knocked, but Connor didn’t respond.

“ _I wish everything was different. I wish that I was part of…Something. I wish that anything I said….Mattered to anyone. I mean, face it: would anybody even notice if I disappeared tomorrow?_

_“Sincerely, your best and most dearest friend, Me.”_

It sounded like a suicide note. Nothing was ever going to get better, no one would notice if I disappeared tomorrow, nothing would be different at all.

Wait.

Did Evan Hansen forge a suicide note for Connor Murphy?

It wouldn't be the first time that people had told Connor to go and off himself. He got texts from unknown numbers and rude comments hissed in his face after he got pulled away from a fight. But this was worse. Evan must have known Connor had a crush on him or something for him to have written “ _your best and most dearest friend_ ”. Fuck. Evan thought Connor was creepy and stalker-ish.

Connor sunk lower. Well, if anything, this note was generous. The world would be a lot better off without Connor. People would notice and people would think it was for the better. Brave Evan was just pushing Connor to do it.

Shit. Evan Hansen. Sweet adorable Evan Hansen wanted him dead. If Evan couldn’t tolerate him…then who would?

A more official banging came at the door. Connor was going to be in trouble now. He shoved the letter in his pocket and stood up, letting the door open.

Mr. Landry’s face peered in the opening, “If you need privacy, you use the stalls. The bathrooms need to be available to everyone.”

“Yes, sir,” Connor said, hiding the fact that he was wiping away a tear by playing with his hair.

Mr. Landry left and then Evan entered. He looked terrified and scared, standing there in the bathroom with his phone hanging loosely from his casted hand.

For whatever reason, seeing Evan so vulnerable made Connor feel like he could handle this situation. He could show Evan that he wasn’t going to be bullied into killing himself…he would much rather make that decision on his own.

“I, um, a please, can I have it back?” Evan asked. “The letter. Can I have my letter back please?”

Connor snagged Evan’s phone with the best haughty face he could muster. It was a ZTE. He must have troubles breaking phones to be stuck with such a cheap one. He opened the camera as he pulled out the letter.

He took a picture, and, once he was sure the letter was legible in the picture, he sent a copy to his phone. He then showed Evan that he took a picture of the letter and that it had been sent to himself before handing the phone and letter to Evan.

“I’ll post this to the internet…” Connor really wasn’t sure where he was going with this, but he knew people would consider him the victim in this situation if they only saw the letter. People only cared about bullying when it was online with strangers rather than with people they knew. “…if you don’t have lunch with me every day at school for the rest of this year.”

Evan’s mouth opened and his eyes bulged.

Connor realized what he had just said and immediately regretted it, but he couldn’t show that to Evan. He turned and left the bathroom, purposely ramming Evan with his shoulder.

To his surprise, Evan was tailing him. “Um, um, where?”

“I’ll see you at your locker, tomorrow,” Connor menaced, not wanting Evan to catch that he was about to cry again.

Evan nodded and then scampered off. Connor turned and ran.

He could not believe he just threatened Evan to have lunch with him. It was the dumbest thing ever. He was the dumbest person ever. If Evan told anyone, Connor was in trouble…not like he wasn’t in trouble all the time…


	2. The Consequence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan faces the consequences of his letter and talks to Jared about what happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm posting it today because I'm going out of town this weekend. I only want to post once a week and so this will be this week's post. Any thoughts on which days you would prefer to have chapters posted?

Evan was in the hospital and they weren’t going to let him out. All because of his letter to Dr. Sherman, the letter that Connor was going to post on the internet if he didn’t show up to school tomorrow.

He had tried to explain that to all the doctors and nurses, but they still said he had to remain in the hospital. Evan could not imagine what it would be like to return to school after Connor posted his therapy letter online. It would be hell. Everyone would know he was messed up and even more people would not want to be his friend.

Evan watched the clock the next day. When it was past lunchtime, he knew it was game over. There was nothing he could do to get rid of it. Everyone was going to know. Evan should never have written a letter saying everything he was really thinking and feeling.

He used that strategy to get the people at the hospital to finally let him go after three days of being stuck in the hospital. Well, at least that was the first week of school all over with.

When he finally returned home, his mother gave him a warm hug. It was exactly what he needed after being locked up for several days. Grandma came because mom had work over the weekend and no one trusted him alone. All for one simple letter. It was much easier when he broke his arm, that was for sure.

For the first time in a long time, Evan didn’t check his computer until late Sunday night. The thought of seeing his letter on the internet worried him, which is why he didn’t check earlier, but, at the same time, he couldn’t sleep Sunday night without knowing whether or not his life was going to be a disaster when he returned to school the next morning.

His grandmother was sleeping while some gameshow played in the background when he opened his laptop. It was going to be the end. There was no way he could go to school. Connor shared the letter and everyone hated him, especially Zoe. Why had he written anything about Zoe?

The first site only showed two notifications. Jared asking if he could speak on this platform and Connor wishing to add him. Evan closed the tab without replying to either. He wasn’t ready to respond to them.

He checked his email next. There were more of those, mostly notes from teachers. There was one from Jared and another from an email he didn’t know, probably spam his email client didn’t filter out. He wasn’t going to read any of them, but one of them was from the principal. He opened it realizing that he should have checked his email sooner.

“Evan Hansen,” it read. “We kept your hospitalization secret. Your teachers were instructed to send in your work and to tell everyone that you were sick. The only person we told about the true nature of your visit was at the request of your doctors. We were surprised but obligated to comply. The student they requested was Connor Murphy.” Evan’s heart stopped. Connor knew he was crazy now…as if the letter didn’t already tell them it. Had Connor shared it and he didn’t notice?

Evan left his email and searched all his social media platforms. There was no sign of his letter anywhere. Had Connor only been joking? Evan finally replied to one of Jared’s five messages.

 

 **Jared:** Something is up more than just being sick because you talk to me when you are sick. You better talk to me as soon as you can. Everyone has been worried about you. And for some reason everyone thinks Connor knows more than we do.

 **Evan:** I’m fine now. Thanks for worrying.

 **Jared** ( _not more than thirty seconds later_ ): What happened?

 **Jared** : …

 **Evan** : Nothing major.

 **Jared** : Did Connor do something to you?

 

Evan stopped to think about what to say.  Did he want to tell Jared about the letter Connor had threatened him with posting online? Jared would think he was dumb. Connor should have just kept the letter so he didn’t have to go to the hospital.

Evan started writing kinda, but he knew that was the wrong word to say. It wasn’t Connor’s fault that he was hospitalized. Evan was the one who wrote the letter anyway.

“Connor did something unrelated to me missing school”

No, still not right. He cleared the box again and stared at it.

 

 **Jared** : Oh shit! He did and you don’t know how to tell me. This will be big news.

 **Evan** : No

 

Evan sent it before Jared could pass that message on. If Jared started another rumor about Connor, Connor might take his vengeance out on Evan instead, again.

 

 **Jared** : What happened Evan?

 

Evan typed out Connor’s name unsure what to type afterwards.

 

 **Jared** : Tell me what the hell is going on with Connor.

 **Evan** : Promise not to tell anyone?

 **Jared** : …

 

Jared didn’t really care, he just wanted info to spread as rumors. Evan almost shut his laptop in frustration waiting for a reply.

 

 **Jared** : Only because you can revoke my car insurance.

 

Evan let out a breath of relief. If Jared wasn’t going to tell, he could tell Jared the story.

 

 **Evan** : Connor confiscated one of the letters I have to write myself and took a picture of it.

 **Jared** : omg! What were you doing? Printing your sex letters at the computer lab?

 **Evan** : He said he would post it if I didn’t do something for him.

 **Jared** : Shit! I didn’t see anything. I’ll go check.

 **Jared** : When did he say he would post them?

 **Jared** :..

 **Evan** : i might have done that…

 **Jared** : You are an idiot. Don’t do that again.

 **Jared** : …

 **Evan** : I know

 **Jared** : I don’t see that he has posted anything since last year, so you must be doing what he wanted….which was…

 **Evan** : I haven’t done anything yet

 **Jared** : What did he ask you to do?

 

Evan typed Connor’s name again and waited. Did he really want to tell Jared everything?

 

 **Jared** : Oh shit, is he asking you to touch him or something like that?

 **Jared** : Kassie says that Connor is a closet gay. I still haven’t decided if that’s true or not. It’s not like anyone would date him anyway.

 **Evan** : No! Gross!

 **Jared** : Then what did he ask you to do??????!!!!

 **Evan** : Have lunch with him for the rest of the year

 **Jared** : He threatened to ruin your life to have lunch together…. I guess I might have to agree with Kassie.

 **Jared** : omg! Connor has a crush on you Evan!

 **Jared** : How does that make you feel?

 **Jared** : maybe I should be a sport announcer when I grow up because that was fun to ask

 **Evan** : No! He doesn’t!

 **Jared** : Then why does he want to blackmail you to eat lunch together?

 **Evan** : I don’t know

 **Jared** : Gay. Yep. No question now. How do you feel Evan Hansen? Being the romantic focus of our local future school shooter, one ‘no’ and we are all dead.

 

Evan closed his laptop. He couldn’t handle that thought. Connor was violent and angry. He didn’t want to think about him manipulating someone because he had a crush on them. But what Jared said made sense. It did sound like something the bad-guy in one of the romance shows would do.

He went through his breathing exercises four times when his phone buzzed. It was Jared calling.

Evan answered it and ran upstairs to not disturb grandma.

 

“Evan, are you there?”

“Yeah, Sorry. I didn’t want to wake up grandma.”

“Your grandma is in town?”

“Don’t ask.”

“I don’t miss the cheek pinching so I won’t. Dude. Connor has you under his thumb. You are screwed, hopefully not literally.”

“Please, Jared, don’t.”

“Alright, Alright. I promise not to tell anyone because you are in a lot of trouble. He might make you fetch drugs or something for him.”

“He only requested lunch.”

“Yeah, well what does lunch even mean? Anyhow, I need to go tell everyone that you are a alive and that Connor didn't murder you. Good night!”

“Night, Thanks.”

 

Evan then went back downstairs to read about his missed assignments on his email.

The email he thought was spam was actually from Connor. Evan wouldn’t have opened it if he would have known, but it was too late when he had it opened.

 

“ _Dear Evan Hansen,_

_The principal told me where you were. When you are out of the hospital I expect you to uphold your end of the bargain. I still have the letter._

_-Connor_

_Or should I say: sincerely your best and most dearest friend, me_ ”

 

Evan thought about skipping tomorrow. However, he couldn’t really come up with an excuse as the letter hadn’t been released…also, if he didn’t go the letter would actually be released. Besides, if he claimed he wasn’t well enough to go back to school, Grandma would stay longer. He didn’t want to inconvenience Grandma and mom more than he already had this past week.

Evan knew what that meant. He had to go to school tomorrow and face Connor. Hopefully having lunch together wouldn’t be too bad, hopefully Connor didn’t force them to eat in the cafeteria, and hopefully Connor wasn’t going to hurt him or offer him drugs or anything Evan didn’t want.

Evan tried not to think about it too much. Tomorrow was going to be a normal day. Connor wasn’t going to do anything more than join him at lunch. What was the worst that could happen?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was very nervous about portraying Jared. I know he really cares and that he throws insulting things to hide it, but it's a hard thing to show. I hope I didn't make him too mean or too nice. Let me know what you think.


	3. The Zoe Connection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor and Evan have their first lunch together.

Connor’s head had been buzzing ever since he the principal had called him to the office on the second day of school. Evan was under suicide watch and needed Connor to know. Evan specifically had said Connor needed to know. Why?

The principal made it a point to talk about how bullying affected people. He felt that that was the reason Evan had pointed Connor out. Connor was the reason Evan wanted to kill himself.

Connor didn’t listen after that point. It served Evan right for being caught with a forged suicide note…but what if it wasn’t forged? Connor squashed the thought whenever it arose, but it kept coming back.

It became a constant debate in his head. Evan got what he deserved for telling Connor to kill himself or Evan was in the same shoes as Connor. In the first case, Connor had no issues with forcing Evan to lunch with him. With the latter, Connor didn’t know what to do.

But Evan was nice and handsome and sweet and a good student. He might not have a lot of friends, but nobody hated him like they hated Connor. Was it possible for someone like Evan to be suicidal? It didn’t make sense. Connor expected that Evan had wanted the letter back because he regretted printing it, but what if he wanted it back for other reasons?

Connor usually hit his head on the closest surface at this point in the repetitive argument going on over and over in his head. What other reason? To go kill himself? If that was true, then it would be Connor’s fault for being a dick. More evidence he should have taken the bait and ended it then.

Connor wished the whole thing in the computer lab hadn’t even happened. Why did he have to take the paper from the printer? It was none of his business. The next best thing to do would be to delete the picture of the letter, but Connor’s phone was confiscated for who knows how much longer. He would have to show up to lunch and make the best of it.

The bell rang for lunch the Monday Evan returned to school. Connor stood by Evan’s locker, banging his head on it. Part of it was because he didn’t know what he was going to do, the other part was to keep people from bothering him.

“Stop being a dick, Connor,” a familiar voice came and Connor stopped banging his head.

“How am I being a dick?” He retorted to his sister.

“Evan doesn’t want to see you, stop hanging around his locker,” she said before storming off so she wouldn’t be late for class.

Zoe, Zoe, Zoe. What was the deal with—

This was it! Connor just needed to figure out if the letter was fake or real. Zoe was the key.

If Evan liked Zoe and liked talking about her, or at least acted like he liked her, it was his own letter and Connor fucked him up. If he didn’t understand about Zoe, then he was just messing with him and he could post the letter and get out of this mess like Evan wanted him to. A nice "thank you, Evan Hansen, for saving me the effort of writing my own note" as the caption. All he had to do was catch Evan off-guard, which should be easy enough with Evan.

When Evan arrived and got his lunch out of his locker, Connor nodded in greeting and headed to the stairwell. Evan followed and they sat down to have lunch under the stairs where the hall monitor would not see them. Connor hated eating in the cafeteria and usually avoided it at all costs.

As soon as Evan pulled out his sandwich, Connor decided to launch his surprise attack.

“So, Zoe…”

Evan dropped his sandwich and gaped at Connor while his face turned beet red.

“You like her?”

Connor had to pretend he wasn’t talking about his sister, but, then again, Evan was actually a good kid. Would it really be a horrible thing if Evan dated her?

Evan looked away and picked up his sandwich. He put it back into its bag and tossed it to the garbage can.

In an effort to appear cool and tough, Connor caught it and started eating the sandwich. Evan made a face of disgust as he pulled out an apple.

Connor half-laughed and spat out the portion of the sandwich. That was dumb. He was not impressing Evan at all like this.

Connor sat down, remembering he had to focus on the task at hand. Evan didn’t actually want to be here. They weren’t actually two friends having lunch together discussing crushes. Hell, Connor never wanted to tell Evan about his crush.

The thought of the embarrassment filled Connor with rage.

“Fuck, Evan! I asked you a fucking question, you better answer!”

Evan swallowed his bite of apple and then mumbled something Connor couldn’t hear.

“I didn’t hear you,” Connor snapped.

“Yes, I like her.” Evan said, looking very ashamed.

“See! It wasn’t that fucking hard.”

Connor held himself back from shoving Evan, even in an attempt to be playful. Last time it had gone bad.

Evan nervously took another bite of his apple while Connor took another bite of Evan’s sandwich. Turkey with no cheese. Such a weird sandwich.

Connor almost threw it away, but then he remembered he was trying to play tough. He wasn’t afraid of ground germs and dirt.

Connor wasn’t sure what else to say. Evan liked Zoe. Well, fun. Officially confirmed straight Evan Hansen. He never expected otherwise.

Oh wait, it was the crucial piece about Evan. Connor couldn’t believe it. Evan had actually written that letter for himself, landing himself in suicide watch in order to stop him from killing himself. He had to ask something else.

“‘Because there’s Zoe and everything is pinned on Zoe,’” Connor quoted, realizing too late that he sounded like a creep who obsessed over Evan’s letter. “What’s the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

Evan blushed. “I just, well, um, I just hope, I mean I um, I wish I could talk to her and not mess up.”

“That’s right, social anxiety. The ultimate goal, being able to ask out a girl without fucking up.” Connor laughed at himself for the way he fucked up in getting Evan to sit with him for lunch. He definitely screwed his chances at wooing Evan even if Evan hadn’t been straight. “You know it’s difficult for everyone else to do that too. Something to do with the fear of rejection.”

Evan laughed. Connor felt proud that he made Evan laugh, but he tried to play it off.

“I’m just telling you that if you fuck up it isn’t the end. It’s definitely a high level step.”

Evan swallowed his laughter and an unchewed portion of his apple. He started to cough and Connor started pounding him on the back to help before realizing he was hurting more than helping. He nervously put his hand back into his own lap.

Evan took a swig from his water bottle and coughed a little more before settling back in to eat a granola bar.

They sat in silence.

Shit! Shit! Shit! This means that Evan was in the same shoes as him.

Connor leaned against the back of the stairs before realizing it was uncomfortable and awkward, but he had just moved there, he couldn’t move back quite yet. Except he couldn’t think. He moved back, figuring he already did everything to fuck up the possibility of a real friendship with Evan. It didn’t matter if he messed up now.

The bell rang. It was the end of his time with Evan. Connor perfunctorily got up and left. No reason to make Evan suffer more than he agreed to.

Connor leaned up against his own locker and debated whether or not to skip his next class. Connor felt guilty. Fuck. He couldn’t handle feeling guilty. He pulled out some weed from his locker and made his way to the back of the school. He needed some air and escape.

Once his mind was in a comfortable high, Connor thought about Evan, trying not to focus on the way his laugh had made him feel. Evan had all his hope pinned on Zoe. Connor knew what that felt like. He sometimes imagined Evan coming and being his friend and keeping jerks like Jared away.

But that wasn’t the truth. The truth was that Evan was in Connor’s shoes because Connor was a bully and not because Evan destroyed everything he touched like Connor did. Evan was adorable. He never did anything wrong. He didn’t deserve to feel like the scum of the earth.

Zoe. His sister. Connor supposed he could try and help Evan out. Other than the guilt, lunch with Evan had significantly raised Connor’s spirits. He would ask Zoe what she felt about Evan. She was reasonable. She would see that Evan was a good guy.

What if she said that she didn’t like Evan?

Connor decided he would just get out if that was the case. Warn Evan and disappear. That was all he could do.

Wasn’t that what friends did? Be wingman and help them make friends with the girls they are terrified to talk to?

But they weren’t friends. Darkness fell on his soul and he relit his joint.

 

“Connor, why did you skip all your classes after lunch? You were doing so well last week,” mother censured when Connor walked in the house after school.

Connor tried to ignore her and walk up to his room.

“Connor. If you don’t stop this minute and tell me what happened I will ground you from your phone and laptop another week per minute you make me wait.”

Connor froze with his foot on the stair. He wasn’t sure why because it wasn’t like he needed his phone or laptop because no one ever talked to him, but YouTube was nice.

Zoe pushed past Connor and stuck her tongue out at him.

“You’re a bitch, Zoe!” Connor yelled before he could stop himself.

“Connor!” Mom shouted as Zoe disappeared and shut the door to her room.

“She stuck her tongue out at me!” Connor defended.

Mom sighed and brushed her hair out of her face. “I suppose I should be glad you skipped instead of beating up on some poor soul like Evan Hansen.”

“Evan Hansen?” Connor repeated incredulously. How did his mother know about him?

“Yeah, your sister told me that you beat him up and then he missed the rest of the first week. Poor soul, he has anxiety and you clearly messed him up good.”

Tears were forming in Connor’s eyes and he started storming up the stairs to hide the tears.

“No TV for another week for skipping classes!” Mother called up after him as he slammed his door.

Tears streamed down his face at the thought of hurting Evan again. He violently knocked his desk chair to the ground before throwing himself on his bed. Being violent never helped, but he could never stop himself. It was dumb. He was dangerous and hurt people. He…

Wait, Zoe had been talking to mom about Evan. What if she actually had a crush on him too? He could help Evan, perhaps he could help Evan enough to make up for hurting him.

He dried his tears and checked his reflection in the mirror before going out to the hall. He was in luck. Zoe’s door was open and she was singing a song with her guitar. He stood and leaned in her doorway, enjoying her music for a moment. She would kill him if he didn’t announce himself.

He knocked on her door. The music immediately stopped and she turned to look at Connor.

“What do you want, bastard?”

“So, Evan Hansen?”

Connor had a smirk on his face.

“You fuck-turd!” Zoe yelled, incensed.

Connor opened his eyes in shock. That was not how this conversation was supposed to go.

Zoe picked up her music book and headed towards him, beginning to hit him with her booklet.

“You fucking tyrant! You fucking read my diary! That’s private! You fuck-wad of indecency!  You backdoor to encryption! Get the fuck out of my room and I’m telling mom you snuck into my room!”

Connor backed away under her blows until he was in his own room and slammed his door on her.

He heard her shrill voice call for mom and knew he was in trouble again.

It didn’t feel too bad this time though. This time he knew that Zoe liked Evan. This meant he could help Evan even if he didn’t get TV or internet privileges for the rest of his determinedly short life.


	4. The Pretend Friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared follows up with Evan about the first lunch and then Connor and Evan share their second lunch together.

Evan sat on his bed looking at his computer. He had made a decent headway on his make-up work. He hopefully wouldn’t be behind by the end of the week...assuming something didn’t go wrong with his visit with Dr. Sherman this week.

That would be embarrassing. Having to repeat his senior year because he kept going to the psychiatric ward of the hospital. He would be in the same grade as Zoe and maybe have classes with her...but she would know he was crazy.

No, he needed to behave. He could not risk another hospitalization. For some reason, Connor hadn’t posted the letter yet, but he couldn’t expect that to last especially if it happened again. Connor hadn’t made any sense…

His computer chirped with a message from Jared.

 

**Jared** : How was your first date with the biggest freak in the school?

**Evan** : it wasn’t a date.

**Jared** : Because it was blackmail

**Jared** : Haha

**Jared** :....yeah that wasn’t as funny as it seemed to me at the time

**Jared** : What happened with you and Connor today?

**Jared** : I saw you.

**Evan** : You spied on me?

**Jared** : only a little

**Jared** : didn’t want Connor to hurt you

**Jared** : What happened?

 

Evan typed in Connor’s name and paused. Did he want to tell Jared that all Connor did was hound him about Zoe?

 

**Jared** : shit, dude. Did he hurt you and I didn’t notice?

**Jared** : molest?

**Jared** : rape?

**Jared** : beat?

**Jared** : made more threats and requests?

 

Evan cleared Connor’s name.

 

**Evan** : No!

**Evan** : to all of those

 

He typed in Connor’s name again.

 

**Jared** : Then what did he do? Sit with you in silence?

**Evan** : Connor asked me about Zoe.

**Jared** : oh shit, that’s his sister, isn’t it?

**Jared** : I’m sorry he ruined your chances with Zoe.

**Jared** : what else?

**Evan** : that was it

**Evan** : mostly silent lunch

**Jared** : oh man, Connor is crazy.

**Jared** : I warned you man

**Jared** : is it really worth it?

**Jared** : maybe you should just post the letter yourself

**Jared** : I hear that’s how you handle revenge porn

**Jared** : I mean it is a sex letter after all

**Jared** : lol

**Jared** : ...or not

**Jared** : Are you ok, Evan?

**Evan** : yeah, just working on make-up work

**Jared** : yeah, you missed a lot of school

**Jared** : at least at the start of term and not the end

**Jared** : well my mom is calling me

**Jared** : hopefully I’m not in trouble or anything

**Jared** : tell your mom I’m being friendly, I need car insurance

**Jared** : good night

**Evan** : night

 

Evan closed his laptop and laid down to sleep. Even though he thought the prospect of another lunch with Connor should be frightening and worrisome, he didn’t feel that way. It really had been like they were friends. Jared always asked about his crush on Zoe, so why would it be weird that Connor asked?

Jared usually told him who he was crushing on. Connor hadn’t. He probably shouldn’t ask though because they weren’t really friends. Connor only knew about Zoe because Evan was dumb enough to print a letter about her at school. The letter that sent him to the hospital. He definitely wasn’t going to write another letter as honest as that one ever again.

 

Mom was trying to talk to him about something about grandma on the way to school, but Evan wasn’t paying attention. He was looking at his cast. Connor’s name staring back at him.

He was actually looking forward to seeing Connor at lunch. Maybe Connor wasn’t a real friend, but Jared wasn’t a real friend either. Maybe his friendship with Connor could be just as good his friendship with Jared.

“Evan!” Mom’s voice finally cut into his thoughts.

“Yes, mom?” Evan replied, feeling guilty that he hadn’t been listening to her.

His mom looked him over while they were at a stoplight. Evan looked out the window.

“Who’s Connor?” She asked.

“Oh, um, a, a friend, I guess.” Evan stumbled out.

“That’s nice. Maybe he could join us and Grandma for tacos tonight. That is fine to go out one last time before Grandma goes home, right?”

“Yeah, no, going out with grandma is great.”

“Do you want to invite Connor?”

“Oh, um, I don’t know if that’s a good idea.”

“Alright, whatever you are comfortable with, just know he is invited if you want him to come along.”

Evan nodded. Inviting Connor to dinner with his family was a bad idea. They were only pretend friends. Plus, Connor swore too much and might get violent if something bad happened with his order…right?

 

Evan walked towards the spot under the stairs for lunch. He wasn’t paying attention to anyone around him because he was starting to think that maybe Connor was a real friend. He didn’t share the letter when Evan hadn’t shown up at school the next day...of course he was told why Evan was at the hospital. Maybe Connor was just having sympathy for him? Maybe the lunch deal was to help Evan feel like he had a friend?

No. He told himself firmly. Connor made the arrangement before he knew about—

“Evan!”

Evan literally ran into Alana.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I should be watching where—“

“No. It’s fine. I was looking for you.”

Evan closed his mouth and stared at Alana with his eyes wide open.

“Yeah, I need some help with homecoming committee and I thought you would be a good help. I mean you can catch up with all your school work first, but, knowing you, I think you will be able to help starting next week.”

“Oh, um, ok. I guess.”

“Wonderful! Our next meeting is next Monday after school in the group meeting room at the back of the library. Will you be there?”

“Yeah,” Evan replied, dazed. “I’ll be there.”

“You are the best, Evan!” Alana said. “Are you heading to the cafeteria?”

“Oh, um, I’m a, I’m heading, well, no.”

“Ok. See you in history.”

With that Alana bounced off in the other direction. It was only then that Evan realized what he had done. He had committed to meeting with a group of people to do something.

Oh no. No, no, no, no, no. Why did he did that? He was going to fail them. He didn’t know anything about homecoming. What was he going to do?

“What’s wrong?”

Evan had arrived to Connor’s lunch spot.

“Nothing.” Evan hastily replied.

Connor dramatically rolled his eyes. Evan blushed at being caught so easily in his lie.

“Um, well, I ran into, um more that I agreed to-“ Connor’s face fell for a moment before Evan continued. “-to help with the homecoming committee. I didn’t mean to. I was trying to come here. I got surprised. I—“

“Cool it, Evan,” Connor replied. “You can blow it off.”

“But I can’t! I promised to go, but if I go I’ll mess it all up! I can’t do anything about homecoming!”

“Calm down, Evan. You won’t fail. Trust me.”

“What?”

“You aren’t—“ Connor stopped talking abruptly.

Evan wasn’t sure if he should wait for him to finish or sit down and start eating his lunch. Well, he waited because he was still debating whether or not to sit down by the time Connor spoke again.

“Just trust me, you won’t,” Connor finished.

When it got silent again, Evan went and sat down.

Connor drank from a soda can while Evan ate his lunch. It was silent, but Evan liked that he didn’t feel alone.

Eventually, Connor broke the silence.

“What do you like about Zoe?”

Evan stared at him for a moment.

“For lack of anything better to talk about.” Connor added, looking down and taking a drink.

“Oh um,” Evan replied. His mind wandered to the jazz band concert. “Well, there’s nothing like her smile. It just makes the room happier, it’s subtle and perfect and real.”

“Ah,” Connor replied, staring intently at his soda can. It made Evan a bit nervous so he kept talking.

“She does the quizzes in the magazine to get to know herself better. I don’t really know how to explain it. She scribbles stars on the cuffs of her jeans when she is bored and they are the most beautiful stars. She manages to dances like no one is watching. She was brave to put indigo streaks in her hair and it looked so beautiful. I—”

Connor crushed his soda can, startling Evan into silence. Connor must have been upset at Evan talking about his sister in that way.

“Well, I mean, it’s uh, it’s not like anything will happen between us. So, I won’t be breaking your sister’s heart or anything.”

“What?” Connor asked looking up.

“Well, she is too, um, too whatever for someone like me. She doesn’t even notice me. We’re a million worlds apart.”

“Ha.” Connor blurted. “As if.”

“What do you mean?”

“Ask her out sometime. You’ll see.” Connor said and then stood up.

“Where are you going?” The words tumbled out of Evan’s mouth before he thought them through.

“I have something to do before next period.”

Connor then disappeared.

Evan’s mind went numb. Zoe’s brother said he should ask her out sometime. What did that mean?

After finishing eating, Evan wandered out from under the stairs before the first bell rang to signify the end of lunch. He figured he might as well get a head start of going to class to avoid the crowded halls.

Someone tapped him on his shoulder, Evan jumped and dropped his books from his locker.

“Sorry!”

Evan turned. He knew that voice. It was Zoe. His stomach dropped.

Zoe got down and started collecting his fallen books. Evan immediately dropped down to help her.

“Didn’t mean to startle you,” Zoe said, handing the books back to Evan. Once he took them from her, she began to play with her hair.

“No problem,” Evan said lamely. _Was that even the right thing to say? She helped him. He should be saying thank you._

“Yeah,” Zoe said with a nervous laugh. “Oh, I don’t know if you heard about that new movie coming out this weekend. All my friends say it is going to be the best movie of the year.”

“Really?” Evan said, trying to remember what movie that was. He never went to movies because his mother said they couldn’t afford tickets. She always told him to wait until it came out on redbox.

“Yeah, I’m looking forward to see it. Do you want to go see it?”

“Oh, I don’t know.” Evan said. “I don’t—“

“What the f—heck,” Zoe said, grabbing Evan’s casted hand, causing Evan to wince. “Is that my brother’s signature?”

“No!” Evan lied quickly.

Zoe then mumbled some explicative that was more colorful than anything Evan knew before storming off.

Evan stood watching her retreating back. Zoe had talked to him. She had actually walked up to him and talked to him. She did notice him.

He couldn’t wait to talk to Jared and Connor about it. What did this mean? What should he do? Hopefully they could help him.

He turned to head to class with a little skip. Zoe just talked to him!


	5. The Usual

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor gets himself into more trouble.

Connor instinctively headed outside where he usually smoked pot, but then he realized he would be even hungrier if he smoked. He hated the snacks from the vending machines. He ought to get an actual meal from the cafeteria, especially since he skipped breakfast. A can of pop was not enough for him to deal with the day.

He wandered into the cafeteria. It was late enough that there weren’t lines. Connor walked in hoping for pizza and there was. He picked up two slices and paid for them.

He shoved a slice of pizza into his mouth on his way towards the door, when someone rammed into him.

“Hey!” Connor called his mouth full. He only barely managed to save his other slice from falling. He was hoping to eat it after he smoked.

“What a loser!” The kid responded, pushing Connor again.

This time his other slice did not survive the shove. It splattered onto the floor.

“What’d you do that for?!” Connor exclaimed, squatting to pick up what remained of his pizza. The bread and cheese were still in once piece. He put them back on the styrofoam plate.

“What are you doing, freak?” The kid said, kicking the plate from Connor’s hand.

“Stop!” Connor said, pushing him away. He once again went to pick up what remained of his pizza, but the kid stomped on it and smeared it.

Connor had enough of this.

“FUCK YOU!” He shouted, standing up and giving the jerk an undercut.

His buddy got up from the table and punched Connor in the gut. Two on one? Connor could handle that.

He punched the second guy in the face and kneed the first in the testicles. The second guy was getting ready to throw another punch, but Connor was ready and dodged, throwing a punch at the first guy.

As he went to deck the second guy in the face again, strong hands grabbed him around his chest and pulled him back. Suddenly Connor became aware of the rest of the cafeteria again. The shouts and yells from everywhere grating on his brain. The foreign hands around his chest like shackles.

Fuck. He was going to get suspended again for fighting and no one was going to believe him that that kid started it first. Just what he needed after the heartbreak and crushing guilt he was trying to get through.

He looked at the crowd to distract himself. One kid, the Kleinman one, had his phone out and was filming. He was someone Connor wanted to beat up for being a jerk too. Connor pulled against whoever was holding him, but they wouldn’t let him go.

Then Zoe appeared. She was ticked off and glaring at Connor. Oh great, Connor tried to think about what he could have done to tick her off, but really the only thing he could think of was last night when she thought he was reading her journal.

Kleinman grabbed her arm. Connor wanted to deck him for touching his sister, but she managed to blow him off. Then she came and punched him in the face.

The crowd gasped. Connor stared at Zoe in disbelief as two adults came and grabbed her by the arms to prevent her from punching him again. What had gotten into her that she couldn’t wait until they made it home?

The bell rang.

The teacher refused to let Connor go. Zoe was permitted to sit down, but one of the adults stood between her and Connor to make sure she didn’t fling herself at him again. The two jerks Connor had been fighting got off. It wasn’t fair.

Once the second bell rang, Connor and Zoe were escorted to the office.

“What about the kids who were beating up on me?” Connor demanded when they made it to the office, knowing that no one would hear him out, but the more people who heard him, the greater chance one of them might care about what he had to say. “Why aren’t they being brought to the office?”

“Settle down,” the principal said as they were escorted in. “Zoe? Are you a witness or were you fighting too?”

“I punched my brother,” Zoe said defiantly. “I would completely beat him up if I was given the opportunity right now.”

“Bringing family troubles to school?” The principal remarked. “I’ll call up your parents for this.”

Connor and Zoe glared at each other over the cafeteria workers while the principal called up their mother. She would be over immediately. Connor guessed that Zoe would get ISD and he would get out of school suspension.

“Tell me what happened,” the principal demanded of the cafeteria workers, putting down the office phone.

“I was closing up the doors to the lunch line when I saw Connor beating up on a junior who was already doubled over,” the one who had been restraining Connor said. “No provocation or anything. So I pulled Connor off of him.”

Connor made faces during the testimony to show his disagreement with her assessment. It had been a two on one fight that started when the one kid pushed him and almost knocked his pizza down. It simply escalated from there because the kid thought he could get away with it…and lookie here, he did get away with it.

“Yeah, the kid he was beating up on didn’t come at him, so I didn’t feel the need to restrain anyone. However, right after Connor was pulled away from the students, Zoe came up and decked Connor in the face. We had to jump in to prevent her from hitting him again,” the second one said.

“She clearly saw that he was restrained, it was not very sportsmanlike,” the third added.

“Beating people up is never sportsmanlike,” the second countered. “It doesn’t matter if they can hit back or not, you shouldn’t hit people.”

“But it’s worse when the person can’t hit back because—”

“That’s enough,” the principal said, “Thank you for your testimonies. You are dismissed to finish cleaning up from the lunch hour. I’ll be in touch if I have any more questions.”

Connor avoided looking at Zoe while the cafeteria workers left the room. He had moved from being upset at her to being ashamed that he was in this situation again. It was the second week of school and he was going to get suspended, again. Mom and dad were going to be mad. He was a family disappointment and he has drug Zoe down with him. Hopefully he could keep Evan free from the trouble and shame. He’ll help Evan and Zoe connect and then he would disappear to make certain sure he didn’t hurt or corrupt Evan.

“Zoe, what do you have to say about the situation?” The principal turned and asked her as soon as the door closed behind the cafeteria workers.

“I was mad at Connor and so I found him and decked him in the face,” Zoe replied calmly. “Like I said, I would have beaten him up if I had been permitted to.”

“Why is that?”

“Family troubles,” Zoe spat back.

Connor was impressed with her sass, but then he realized that he would be blamed for it when mom and dad heard.

“Zoe, I am simply trying to help you,” the principal calmly replied. “I’m going to have to suspend you for getting into a fight, but the duration of the suspension is up to me to decide based upon how well you cooperate.”

“Suspend me for as long as you would like,” Zoe replied. “I’m not going to pretend I’m sorry to earn a lesser sentence.”

“I will give you until your mother arrives to think about it,” the principal said and then motioned for her to leave. “Please sit by the front desk until then so I can talk to your brother in private.”

Zoe left and Connor prepped himself for another lecture. It was usually how things went when he had done something particularly bad.

“Connor, what happened?”

“I was getting some pizza at the end of lunch and this kid came and rammed me. I told him to leave me alone, but then he pushed me again and I dropped my pizza. I went to pick it up and he stomped on it, so I punched him. His buddy tried to join in, but I got him too. They deserved what they got for ruining my pizza.”

“Beating people up is not a fair punishment for bumping into you and knocking your pizza from your hand.”

“It wasn’t an accident!” Connor exclaimed standing up. “I told him to watch it and then he shoved me! It wasn’t an accident!”

“Sit down”

Connor reluctantly obeyed.

“Sometimes we like to think and see the world and assume that everyone has it out for us, that people are actively going out of their way to ruin our day, but that is never the case. Do you not feel even a little remorse for what you did?”

“Of course not! They deserved what they got!”

“Very well, you are suspended for the rest of the day and for tomorrow. Then you will have lunch detention with Mrs. Groody for the rest of the week,” the principal said to finish the discussion.

It wasn’t fair. Mrs. Groody hated him. He would much rather be in ISD for the rest of the week.

“Now, what happened with Zoe? Did she really just come at you and punch you? Why is she upset at you?”

Connor shrugged. He didn’t want to tell the principal that Zoe had a crush on Evan and was upset that Connor knew. “Yeah, Zoe came up and punched me, but whatever. It happens.”

“Violence is a regular occurrence in your home?”

“Yeah, haven’t you dealt with me for the past three years? You think I’m any better at home?”

“Are your parents violent towards you?”

“No!” Connor defended. “I mean my dad has to get rough to get me to stop, but he isn’t abusive or anything.”

“I suppose being your parent is rather difficult.”

“You bet.”

The intercom on his desk buzzed as Connor spoke those last two words.

“Mrs. Murphy is here,” it said after the buzz.

“Send her in,” the principal replied, pressing the button. “Along with Miss. Murphy.”

The principal stood up when mom entered the room. They shook hands and went through the rote gestures that Connor hated before Zoe and mom took their seats.

“Mrs. Murphy, it is a difficult call to know when and when not to involve parents in the problems of their children because high school students are preparing to live on their own and must learn to deal with their problems, but today is a special case. The reason I brought you in is because ‘family problems’ have started to become problems at school. Namely that Zoe punched her brother in the middle of the cafeteria. Are you aware of a fight between Connor and Zoe?”

“When isn’t there?” Mom said with a smile. She was trying to turn this all into a joke. She was a joke!

The principal gave her a courteous chuckle and then she continued.

“Last night Zoe was complaining that Connor had read her diary. I would assume that if she was angry it would be because Connor is telling people some things that he discovered from reading her diary. I’m sorry this problem has leaked outside our home and into your school. I will do my best to solve the problem so it won’t end back up at school.”

“Thank you, Mrs. Murphy,” the principal said. “Zoe will be suspended for the remainder of the day and serve in ISD for lunch for the remainder of the week. Connor will be suspended for the remainder of the day as well as tomorrow with a different lunch detention for the remainder of the week to prevent fights happening inside of detention. If you will please take both of them home and talk through your issues, we will see Zoe tomorrow and Connor the day after that.”

“Yes, I will,” Mom said, standing up and shaking the principal’s hand again. “I really do try with these two.”

“I know,” the principal replied. “But some kids are more difficult than others.”

 

“Connor, why were you going around telling other people the contents of Zoe’s diary?” Mother demanded as soon as they were all locked up and moving in the car so Connor couldn’t run away.

“I wasn’t!” Connor fired back. “I told you, I never read her diary!”

“Lying isn’t going to make things any better.”

“I’m not lying!”

“Then why would Zoe lie? She isn’t out to get you Connor. In fact, it seems more like you are out to get her, like you get joy from making her life more miserable.”

“She gets just as much joy out of bugging me as I do with her!”

“Connor, stop being unreasonable. You found out who she liked, she told me last night, and now you are spreading rumors at school. That’s not very nice.”

“It was a lucky guess! I didn’t read her diary!”

“I had been thinking about giving you your phone back, but I suppose I will have to keep it until you show improvement. Zoe, I will talk to dad about getting you a safe so you can keep your stuff from Connor's prying eyes.”

“Can’t I just get a bio-lock door for my bedroom?”

“I’m sorry, dear. That isn’t quite in our budget. A safe will be good, just be sure to keep the combination from Connor.”

“Fine, can I go to Lucy’s house when school is finally out?”

“Of course, dear. Connor, I expect you to email your teachers as soon as we get home to get the work you will be missing today and tomorrow. I want to get it all finished today so I can visit with Mrs. Eccles tomorrow.”

Connor stared out the window. Zoe got in trouble and she was gifted more privacy and kept her freedom. He got in trouble and had to be monitored constantly. It wasn’t fair.

“Connor,” his mother repeated sternly.

“Yes, mother,” Connor replied.

“Yes what?”

“Yes, mother, I will go home and email my teachers to get my work so I can finish it all today so you can get off my ass tomorrow.”

“Connor! That is no way to speak to your mother. You are grounded from the computer except for when I expressly give you permission and am in the same room as you for the rest of the week.”

“Whoop-de-doo,” Connor replied, looking back out the window. It wasn’t like she hadn’t confiscated his laptop and prevented him from going on the computer already. It really seemed like they forgot what they had grounded him from and kept repeating themselves. It was really pointless.


	6. Emailing Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some emailing time between Tree-bros.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I felt bad not posting anything for a long time, but I don't know why I didn't think that such a major structural change wouldn't extend to the beginning. Here is the next chapter of the old version so I can tell you all that the updated version is going to take months to pull together. I'm sorry, but I'm going to make sure I finish this one before I start posting the updated version and it will effect starting all the way back in chapter 1, but I think you will like it better...or you will think I'm crazy...or both.

As soon as Evan made it home, he opened his laptop and messaged Jared.

 

**Evan:** You’ll never guess what happened during lunch today!

**Jared:** No, dude. I was there. I saw everything. Walt, Kassie, Alana, and Theo are messaging me about it because they missed it.

**Evan:** Missed what?

**Jared:** The fight. You’re talking about the fight Connor got himself into at lunch, right?

**Jared:** He was taking an extra slice of pizza out, I thought he was doing it for you since he’s got the hots for you.

**Jared:** Sorry if that meant you didn’t get lunch.

**Evan:** No! I was talking about Zoe!

**Evan:** And I had lunch, Connor left early

**Jared:** I know! I couldn’t believe it either!

 

Evan’s stomach dropped. Jared didn’t believe that Zoe could like Evan enough to talk to him and invite him to a movie. He also knew that Connor left lunch early because he couldn’t even stand being pretend friends with Evan. But Zoe had talked to him. Perhaps he could get the courage to talk to her tomorrow so he could iron out the details about going to a movie. He could not get food with the money his mother left for him and he would have enough money for a movie.

All his hope was pinned on Zoe and things were looking up.

 

**Jared:** I tried to hold her back, but she pushed on

 

Wait, Jared had tried to stop Zoe from talking to Evan? Why would he do that? Did he have a crush on Zoe?

 

**Jared:** She’s so hot when she’s angry. I can see why you like her

 

And here Evan thought that Jared had a crush on Cassie and that the girl from Israel was just because he was at camp and Cassie wasn’t. Was Jared going to try and stop him and Zoe from getting closer when the cards were starting to fall in that direction? Connor had told Evan to ask her out sometime. Was that what Connor meant? That Zoe liked Evan?

His heart started doing the fluttering thing that Evan associated with the term of butterflies in your stomach when it came to romantic things. Why was Jared trying to end that?

Evan closed the tab with the chat with Jared. If he was being so negative about Evan’s interest in Zoe, he didn’t want to talk to him.

The butterflies about his conversation with Zoe didn’t go away as he opened his homework and tried to get started. He couldn’t concentrate. He had to talk to someone about it…someone who cared.

Evan opened his email and found the one from Connor from the first week of school and replied to it.  

“ _Dear Evan Hansen,_

_The principal told me where you were. When you are out of the hospital I expect you to uphold your end of the bargain. I still have the letter._

_-Connor_

_Or should I say: sincerely your best and most dearest friend, me_ ”

Evan knew it was best practice to match the formality of the letter that Connor sent because something more casual or more formal would feel odd and he didn’t need Connor to think he was odd or his therapy letter would get posted online and he would be sent to therapy all over again.

Connor had signed it with just his first name, but he had addressed Evan by his first and last name. What did that mean? Did that mean Evan addressed Connor by his first and last name like he addressed Evan or to address him how he signed it? Evan wasn’t sure. He decided to start with the first way and delete his last name if it looked funny.

_“Dear Connor Murphy,”_

There, the greeting was good. Now what to say…

_“You know I have a crush on Zoe.”_

Well, that was a dumb redundant thing to say, but he felt he had to broach on the subject somehow and that seemed like the best way to do it.

_“Then you told me that I should ask her out sometime. You did that today before you left lunch. So sorry if you aren’t actually interested in all this, but you seemed to at lunch so I thought I would update you on it.”_

More redundant nothings, but he wanted to make it sound like he was talking about it because Connor cared and he felt like he needed to justify why Connor should care about what he said before he said it. It was dumb, but he couldn’t get rid of it because then if Connor emailed back saying “Why are you telling me this? I don’t even care.” Evan would have the information in the email to be like, you pretended to care and so I assumed you did and acted on that poor assumption.

Evan suddenly felt overwhelmed at that thought. Who was he kidding? Connor didn’t care. He was pretty pissed off as soon as he told Evan to ask Zoe out sometime. He went to delete the email, but then he remembered that he needed to get out what happened today so he could focus on his homework. If Connor sent him a hate email in response to this email, he could just ignore it and pretend it never made it.

But what if he posts the letter? Then Evan would be back in the hospital and he would hide there until he knew that Connor wouldn’t hurt him…or just let Connor beat him up until he died. It would be a less awkward way to die than suicide.

_“After you left, Zoe came to me and asked me to join her at the movies sometime…”_

Evan realized that he never pinned down what day, time, theater, or even what movie. That made him sound really dumb, but it was the truth and maybe Connor could help him find the right way to finalize those plans.

_“She suddenly left before we figured out the details. But you were right. I just need to find the courage to talk to her tomorrow and finalize the details.”_

That was a soft way of asking for help. Connor couldn’t say he was weak or asking if he didn’t want to help, but if he did actually care about Evan liking Zoe then he could just give the placating encouraging words everyone always gave Evan, “You can do it.” People saying it never really did have an impact on whether or not Evan could do it, so he always thought it was weird that everyone always said it.

Now all he needed to do was do the closing. Connor hadn’t used a closing. He had just put his name, his first name. Evan tried it out, but it didn’t look right.

Evan looked at Connor’s post script and laughed. He quickly covered his mouth. Why did he think it was funny that Connor used the signature from the therapy letter in the post script?

…it was a little funny…or a little threatening…Evan typed it out anyway.

_“Sincerely your best and most dearest friend,_

_Me”_

It made him laugh a second time and so he clicked send. Then his heart dropped. That was a dumb thing to do. The butterflies were replaced with a pounding of dread.

Connor was going to think he was clingy or needy or whatever it was when people thought that you attached too quickly to them or that you thought your friendship to them was closer than they thought it was.

Evan quickly clicked reply again. He needed to right that wrong.

_“I meant that in the joking way. You mentioned it in your last letter and it was in my therapy letter and so I figured it was a trend that I shouldn’t break. I don’t mean anything by it.”_

Evan knew that last sentence was a lie. Even though they had only sat through two lunches together, Evan already felt closer to Connor than to Jared. It was dumb. He deleted the last sentence and replaced it with:

_“It isn’t meant to be personal. If it makes you angry, I’m sorry.”_

Then he clicked send again and breathed a sigh of relief. Disaster averted.

He had two new emails. That was stressful. Why did emails have to come so frequently? It made him nervous and anxious because he always felt like terrible news or hate mail would be inside his inbox…not that he had ever received hate mail or was important enough to get hate mail. He just was always worried about hate mail.

The two new emails were from his thread from Connor. Did Connor already get mad at his email ending and then sent another one after his edit to not take the closing seriously?

Evan opened the first and saw the email he just sent.

_“I meant that in the joking way. You mentioned it in your last letter and it was in my therapy letter and so I figured it was a trend that I shouldn’t break. It isn’t meant to be personal. If it makes you angry, I’m sorry.”_

It didn’t have a response. Did Connor just send a blank email?

Then Evan saw the From heading and realized that he had just sent the email to himself. He was an idiot and a fool! He can’t even send emails properly. He couldn’t forward it because then Connor would know how much of an idiot he was, which he should already know because only idiots print off their therapy letters at school. He was about to copy and paste it to actually send it to Connor when he realized he should see what Connor actually said first.

_“Told you so. I’ll see if I can talk to Zoe and get the details from her. I’d give you her number so you could text her, but I don’t have it memorized and my phone is confiscated.”_

Evan looked for the proper place to click reply and clicked reply and immediately typed out:

_“Why can’t you just tell me at lunch?”_

And clicked send. It was the most pressing question. He needed more time to figure out the others before Connor responded again, which he did rather rapidly.

_“I have lunch detention all week, besides being suspended tomorrow.”_

It was more like chatting now. No formal emails. It was nice not to worry about headings and closings.

_“Why are you suspended and have lunch detentions all week?”_

_“Because I got in a fight. Just tell me which day works better for you to meet with Zoe. Thursday or Friday night?”_

Evan wasn’t sure what day worked best for him so he pulled out his planner. His meeting with Dr. Sherman was tomorrow, so either Thursday or Friday would work. His mother wouldn’t like him staying out late on a school night.

_“Friday works best for me. What movie is it?”_

_“I’ll have to ask her. I have no idea what movies are coming out. I’ve been grounded from everything since third grade. Just kidding, only since ninth grade.”_

Connor’s email made Evan laugh. Evan wasn’t the only one with no life and no knowledge of what happened to normal people. He relaxed. The butterflies were gone. He just had to wait for Connor to talk to his sister and then he would get back to him.

Evan started his homework. This year didn’t seem like it was going to be as bad as all the others. He had a new friend and a chance with Zoe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you thought and if you want me to post old draft chapters in the meanwhile. But I'm making some major changes and so while it is a similar story, it is also very different. But I want you to know I haven't forgotten about this fanfiction, it's just taking a lot more for me to get it right.


	7. Jared's Messages

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared summarizes his version of the fight, from a previous draft of this story where I didn't give Connor's POV on the fight.

Evan opened back up the tab where he had been talking to Jared and saw 48 messages. His breathing accelerated at the thought of 48 different people wanting to talk to him about different things or sending hate messages all at once. He opened the tab to quickly get the hurt over with when he saw that they were all from Jared. He took a deep breath and opened the chat.

 

**Jared:** I’m sorry Connor is messing up your chances with her.

**Jared:** And messing with her

**Jared:** seriously, lol

**Jared:** Oh, you left

**Jared:** I can’t wait any longer. I have to tell you everything.

**Jared:** It was crazy!!

**Jared:** So, after I went and made sure that you weren’t getting hurt by Connor, I came back into the cafeteria to eat

**Jared:** Connor had looked pretty pissed and so I was worried that he was going to take it out on you, but you had told me that you didn’t want me watching your dates with Connor

**Jared:** Yes, I know they aren’t dates, but I think Connor thinks they are dates.

**Jared:** Blackmailing people into dates, that is pretty low

**Jared:** Anyway, lunch was finishing up and I was afraid I might need to pull you out of a locker or trashcan before the next class, but I didn’t want to upset you by checking on you before the bell rang.

**Jared:** I was about to give up on that when Connor burst into the cafeteria. I feared the worst.

**Jared:** He had tried to get you to give him a favor and you turned him down and so he beat you up and was now coming to shoot the school.

**Jared:** But then he just got into the lunch line and came out with two pizzas

**Jared:** He ate one before he even left the line. He’s a slob.

**Jared:** But then he didn’t touch the other one and I was like, uh oh, he got that one for Evan in exchange for something

**Jared:** So I started heading his way, pulling out my phone camera so in case he did anything to me there would be irrefutable proof because his dad is a lawyer and all that

**Jared:** But then this guy pushes him and knocks the pizza from his hand and like the lunatic he was Connor bends over to pick it up and puts it back on the plate

**Jared:** I appreciated that the guy kicked it back down and stepped on it so Connor couldn’t give you pizza with public school cafeteria floor germs all over it

**Jared:** the cafeteria is too close to the gym for that to be any good

**Jared:** Connor is so gross

**Jared:** anyway

**Jared:** Connor punches the one guy and he like never retaliates, so his buddy stands up to defend him

**Jared:** but Connor is laying it out on both of them so quick, you’d think he was a professional fighter or something

**Jared:** Then the cafeteria lady comes out of nowhere and puts Connor in a hold he can’t get out of

**Jared:** and everyone relaxed because Connor was caught and no one else was going to get hurt

**Jared:** It’ll be seriously bad if he ever gets an assault rifle. The entire school will be dead, I’m telling you, with his temper, man!

**Jared:** But then Zoe bursts in like she just got pissed off like her brother was all day

**Jared:** The anger just radiates and makes her seem so powerful and wonderful. It’s beautiful really

**Jared:** But she is making a beeline for Connor

**Jared:** Beeline is such a weird word. Does it even mean what I think it means?

**Jared:** “A straight line between two places”

**Jared:** Yep, it does. Thanks google.

**Jared:** “No problem, Jared.”

**Jared:** Jk, I don’t have the google thing

**Jared:** So, flaming hot, sexy goddess Zoe is coming with her hatred baring down on ugly, slobby, demon Connor

**Jared:** I try and grab her to stop her because she has too nice of a reputation to get in trouble for fighting her rotten brother

**Jared:** How do two polar opposites come from the same household, you know?

**Jared:** But she easily throws me off and enters the arena and punches Connor right on the nose in front of everyone

**Jared:** Everyone in the cafeteria swore they could hear the noise when her fist collided with Connor’s face

**Jared:** But then the other cafeteria workers got to her before she could throw another punch

**Jared:** I’m pretty sure everyone in the school would have been cool with Zoe beating up her brother there and now, but the adults didn’t agree

**Jared:** I’ve heard she is suspended for the rest of the week, Connor too

**Jared:** So you are free from your lunch dates and poor Zoe is getting tainted with Connor’s reputation

**Jared:** I hope Connor doesn’t ruin your chances with her because she is really awesome

**Jared:** What’s your inside scoop on the fight?

**Jared:** That’s what you wanted to tell me about, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Something to fill in the gap while I'm finishing the updated version of this story. To be changed dramatically when I finish the edits.


	8. Path in the Park

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor chooses unhealthy methods to cope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Self-harm reference. I attempt to allude instead of describe.

Life sucked. It was only getting worse.

Connor’s parents were beyond mad for his getting into a fight. Even more that his sister got involved. Now he was a bad influence as well as a failure of a son. What a wonderful addition to the list of disappointments he was to his parents. Needless to say he never knew when he would see his iPhone, computer, or favorite TV shows again…in fact they confiscated everything in his room that wasn’t necessary for school.

He had a secret cubby in his night stand to hide things from room-raids. The night stand was some weird artsy piece his mother had gotten and it had unused space that Connor broke into and then turned into a hidden shelf. He mostly created it because he didn’t want anyone to know he was obsessed with musicals, but he only managed to salvage his Phantom of the Opera book before the confiscation started.

He wasn’t in the mood to read, so he put it back and thought about how Phantom of the Opera had been his ‘gateway drug’ into musicals. He had seen the movie playing on TV when he was younger and loved the Phantom. He listened to the music online until he saved enough money to buy the CD for himself. Then his father confiscated it and signed him up for baseball.

What was with his father and trying to turn Connor into a mini-version of himself? Not much better than his mother trying to make sure he never made a mistake. Then Zoe always getting upset at him for dumb things and then always pressing his buttons. He thought about going over to Zoe’s room and trying to press her buttons, but he knew it was a bad idea.

Zoe had been, and still was, upset at him for talking to Evan after he found out she liked him. She thought he had read her diary, but he hadn’t actually. Unfortunately, his parents always believed Zoe over him and he would get in trouble with them for going over to mess with Zoe. That was life in the Murphy household.

He supposed teasing Zoe was against what he was trying to do before disappearing. He needed to help Evan and Zoe get together, but then Zoe gets upset for even talking to Evan. He had no idea what her problem was. He was trying to help both of them. He thought about what he could say during their next lunch together to help Evan get the courage to ask Zoe out. But he really couldn’t come up with more than what he already said.

The thought of another lunch with Evan both excited and terrified Connor. It was wonderful just to sit with him, even in silence. He wished the letter hadn’t talked about how all his hope was pinned to Zoe because if it hadn’t, he could just focus on becoming friends so he didn’t feel so alone. Yes, he had a crush on Evan, but he never really expected anyone to like him.

He opened his secret compartment and pulled out his butterfly knife and started to play with it absent mindedly.

Could he even face Evan again? They weren’t actually friends. Evan was clearly terrified of him. It was clear the only reason Evan talked to Connor was not to be publically humiliated by the letter. If only Connor had access to his phone, he would delete the picture and tell Evan the deal was off. There was no point. He couldn’t do anything to help Evan win over Zoe.

His knife started finding its familiar route. Connor began to relieve himself of some of the pressure he felt.

Connor felt a little bit better when he finished. He would likely need something harder than pot to get through his next lunch with Evan, but he would help Evan and Zoe get together. He could do it.

He pulled his sleeve back down and put his knife in his hidey hole before running downstairs. His drug dealer carried heavier stuff.

 

Connor stood in the hallway during the last period before lunch. The administration was so used to Connor being sent to stand outside the classroom for being disruptive that no one ever questioned him. He had some heroin and knew he needed to shoot up before meeting with Evan.

For whatever reason, he couldn’t find the motivation to go into the empty bathroom and do it. He wasn’t sure what was stopping him. He had tried the hard stuff before his parents sent him to rehab. He wasn’t going to make it obvious and he would disappear before his parents had the chance to send him to rehab again. He just had to deal with the pain of helping his crush ask his sister to homecoming. After that they would be together and work things out on their own.

For whatever reason, he was still standing in the hallway when the bell for lunch rang. It was only when he spotted Evan and the guilt crept back giving him the motivation to go and hide in a bathroom stall.

When the second bell went off, marking the start of lunch, he leaned up against the sink wall as far from the urinals as possible and pulled out the heroin shots. He had two that he needed to make last until homecoming about a month away. He sat them on his lap and stared at them.

Why wasn’t he doing it? Evan was waiting for him. He needed to get high and then talk Evan into asking Zoe out.

He cautiously rolled up his sleeve with an extra glance to make sure he was alone in the bathroom. He lifted the first needle and reminded himself that he only needed a tiny, miniscule portion since he had been off it for months.

Just as he was about to insert the needle the bathroom door opened. Connor immediately hid the needles between his legs and pulled down his sleeve. He looked straight forward like he was already stoned.

“Connor?”

Connor couldn’t help but look up at Evan’s voice.

Damn it. Evan found him first.

Connor looked forward blankly. He wasn’t ready to talk to Evan.

Lamentably, Evan was ready to talk and sat down next to Connor.

“Um, what were you doing?” Evan asked, peering at the needles between Connor’s legs.

“Nothing,” Connor replied blankly.

“Then what are those?” Evan pointed at the needles.

Connor wanted to weave a lie about being diabetic and how he needed to medicate himself before eating or some shit like that, but when he opened his mouth it didn’t come out.

After a moment of silence, he finally coughed up the word: “Heroin.”

Connor felt so ashamed. Here innocent, kind Evan Hansen saw the cruel, dirty Connor about to shoot up with hard drugs. He rolled the needles away from him towards Evan so he could see for himself.

Evan looked at the needles and reached out a hand to touch one with his finger.

“Heroin?” Evan repeated as the door to the bathroom burst open once more.

“Heroin?” Repeated the person who just entered.

Connor looked up to see Jared Kleinman. Fuck. He was in trouble and likely Evan was too.

“Evan, heroin?” Jared repeated. “Shit, I warned you.”

Jared then ran from the bathroom. Connor recognized that run: it was someone going to tattle on him.

Connor picked up the needles and his backpack. He tossed the needles into the medical waste bin and bolted out of the bathroom. He tossed his backpack into the spot under the stairs where he ate with Evan. He didn’t want to be found with weed on school grounds.

Then he ran. Away from the bathroom, the heroin, and Evan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is still old draft stuff. I hope you don't complain that the plot if fairly similar when it is updated to the new version (but this is the start of one of my favorite conflicts, it's way better in the newer version).


	9. Jail Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arrest happy cops take Connor and Evan to jail.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Old draft happenings.

The world seemed to pause for a moment after Connor had gotten up. Evan’s brain was having a hard time processing everything that just happened.

His friend…well, pretend friend that Evan hoped turned into a real friend, had disappeared into the bathroom when they saw each other in the hall. Evan thought he was just using the bathroom before lunch, but since he didn’t return by the time of the second bell Evan went to check on him.

Connor had been about to prick himself with the needle, but then stopped when Evan came in. Then he told Evan that he had been about to take heroin and Evan reached out and touched the needle.

What had Evan been thinking? He touched the heroin! His fingerprint was now on the evidence that Connor had thrown in the trash. He was going to be imprisoned for life for touching heroin. Why did he decide it was a good idea to touch it?

Evan stood up. Jared had gone to report the incident. Evan had to run just like Connor.

He got up and left the bathroom. He spotted Connor running and followed, hoping that Connor knew a good hiding spot that would work for the both of them.

How long would they have to hide? Would he miss the homecoming committee meeting that Alana reminded him of this morning?

His mind buzzed with the worry of ruining his life by trying to be friends with Connor. If he got caught, he was going to be arrested and sentenced for life for touching heroin. He knew it.

He had made it outside the school building, but breathing was hard. Evan didn’t think he was out of shape, but he couldn’t breathe. It wasn’t until things got fuzzy that he realized he was suffering a panic attack.

Perfect. He was now going to be caught because he had a panic attack.

He saw Connor’s figure ahead of him and did his best to catch up, regardless of the fact that his breathing was outpacing his legs. Then he tripped. He was hyperventilating and lying on the ground. His little life was over.

“FUCK!” Someone called. Then someone’s hand was on his chest. “Breathe freak. Don’t die on me.”

Breathe? He was trying.

“Fuck, what do you do? Deep breaths, Evan.”

Was that Connor? Evan couldn’t tell.

“Count or something!”

Evan remembered what he was supposed to do. He started counting and trying to breathe with the counts. It was difficult at first, but slowly he managed.

“For fuck’s sake, I’m so glad you are breathing now.” That was definitely Connor.

Evan opened his eyes. Connor was kneeling beside him, face full of concern. Behind him was the campus cop and another cop, each holding a pair of handcuffs. Evan started counting and breathing according to the counts again.

 

They were taken to the station and searched. All of Evan’s belongings were taken from him and they drew some of his blood. Then he was placed in a holding cell with Connor. Then they were pulled out one-by-one for their phone calls.

Evan had no idea what he would tell his mother when it was his turn to call. Turned out that it didn’t matter because she didn’t pick up her phone. He didn’t know if he should tell the officer or leave a message, so he just hung up and was taken back to the holding cell with Connnor where neither of them knew what to do with themselves. It was very awkward.

Evan began pacing. Connor laid down on the floor, hands behind his head.

Connor broke the silence after a while.

“I’m sorry, Evan. I didn’t mean to get you involved.”

Evan stopped and looked at Connor.

“I shouldn’t have gotten heroin. I’ve been clean all summer.”

“Are you high on it now?” Evan asked.

“No, but I wish,” Connor said.

“Why?” Evan asked. It was the only thing he could think of to ask. He immediately realized that was the wrong thing to say.

Connor exploded, jumping to his feet and shouted, “Because I’m a fucked up piece of shit!”

Evan backed into a corner and cowered because Connor looked like he was going to hurt someone.

But he didn’t. He charged the blank wall and started punching and kicking the wall. He howled with rage for each blow. Evan was very glad the wall was getting his anger and not him.

Suddenly Connor stopped. His arms against the wall. One fist still gently hitting the wall. Slowly he sunk to the floor, his back to Evan.

Evan just stared. He had no idea what was happening, but the fact that the violence had stopped was good. However, it sounded like Connor was sobbing. Knowing that it was better to not watch a man cry, Evan turned to look away from him. This was a new side to Connor.

Eventually, Evan also sat on the ground and stared at a wall. It was rather boring, but it was better than the scenarios of a disappointed mother that was running through his mind. He kept those thoughts as far out of his head as he could manage to prevent another panic attack.

 

“My father will get us out of this,” Connor spoke as Evan watched the clock tick past his homecoming committee meeting. “He’s a lawyer. I mean, this is my first time being arrested, but I know he will get everything cleared.”

Evan mindlessly nodded.

“Why did you run?” Connor asked.

Evan gave Connor an incredulous look.

“I mean, all you had to do was say that you saw me with the stuff and was going to report it as soon as you felt safe leaving me. Nobody would doubt that you were scared to leave after allegedly seeing me with heroin.”

Evan looked away. What he said sounded so logical that Evan was embarrassed that he had been so stupid. He should have thought about that before running from the bathroom.

They sat in silence as Evan re-evaluated everything that happened since Jared discovered them in the bathroom. Something else didn’t make sense to Evan.

“Why didn’t you keep running?”

“What do you mean?” Connor asked.

“You stopped for me,” Evan said. “…when I…fell.”

Connor leaned forward, causing his hair to block his face. “I felt bad getting you involved.”

“Oh,” was all Evan could say.

 

By six o’clock, Connor’s dad arrived and rescued them. They were brought to the front desk and given back the stuff that was taken from them before…well, except for the blood. But that wasn’t something people usually gave back.

“Who is this, Connor?” Mr. Murphy asked roughly when they walked past security.

“No one,” Connor replied.

Evan’s heart sunk. Connor did not think of Evan as a friend.

Mr. Murphy rolled his eyes much like Connor did the other day before turning to Evan.

“Is anyone coming for you? Were you able to reach anyone?”

Evan stared blankly and then shook his head. His mother hadn’t answered when he called earlier, but she was at work so he wasn’t surprised.

“What’s your name?”

“Evan Hansen.”

“Do you want me to give you a ride home?”

Evan nodded furiously.

Evan was given the passenger seat so he could navigate Mr. Murphy to his house. Evan was nervous.

“Lucky for both of you, you both passed your drug tests. Also none of your belongings at school contained any drugs. For that reason I was able to get you out today with the promise of the arrest record being erased under threat of a wrongful arrest lawsuit.”

“Why is that lucky?” Connor asked moodily.

“Because this means you don’t have an arrest on your record when employers ask in the future if you have ever been arrested. You are very lucky to have someone like me around, Connor.”

“Whatever,” Connor mumbled into the window.

Evan watched rage blow up in Mr. Murphy’s face before he took several deep breaths. He had never seen a grown-up do breathing exercise for themselves before. It was comforting to know that adults who needed it could still be successful adults.

They turned into Evan’s neighborhood in silence. Evan saw a look of disgust cross Mr. Murphy’s face, making him feel embarrassed about where he lived. He knew it wasn’t the best neighborhood, but all the neighbors that he knew were very nice.

Evan watched as the car pulled out of his driveway. It was clear that Mr. Murphy was launching into a speech as soon as they hit the road. Evan watched them drive away, unaware that Connor was watching him just as closely.

Evan checked his phone as he made it into the front door. There was a text from Jared but nothing from his mother. Maybe he might not have to tell his mother anything.

 

 **Jared** : Call me as soon as you can. I can’t believe they arrested you too!

 

Evan deliberated for a moment before calling Jared.

“Evan! Are you a free man or am I your one call?”

“Very funny, Jared.”

“I warned you, Evan. I told you Connor was no good. We need to do something about the letter. Maybe I can hack into his computer. Do you remember how he saved the files?”

“I don’t remember.” Evan wasn’t sure he wanted to remember. Connor had risked his own freedom to help him. He had to actually be in need of a friend. Maybe he felt like Evan didn’t think they were friends.

“You should come over sometime so we can figure this out. We cannot let you get involved any further in the mess that is Connor Murphy. He might shoot you or something.”

“That’s not funny, Jared.”

“What has gotten into you? Are you high? Has he gotten you addicted to drugs already so you won’t leave him?”

“No!”

“Shit, Evan. What is up? I’m just trying to help you. Speaking of helping, can you help me out with something?”

“As long as you don’t tell my mom what happened.”

“Didn’t you call her?”

“She never answered.”

“Whatever, dude. I just got assigned to work on several posters for a show, but since you are more artistic than I was, I figured I could just recruit you to do it.”

“What show?”

“They just want stars in the background. I’ll bring the supplies to your house tomorrow…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The new draft has a lot more happening in the jail and deals more with Evan responding to his mother not answering, maybe I shouldn't be sharing that...but I am.


	10. Do you do art?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor's parents's response to Connor's getting arrested.

Much to Connor’s surprise, by the time they got home from the police station, his backpack was on his bed.

Connor immediately jumped onto his bed to search his backpack for his weed. He knew he had had weed in his backpack this morning, but his dad had said that they didn’t find any in it or his locker. Where did it go?

“Looking for this?” Zoe asked, closing his bedroom door behind her and holding out the several bags of weed that had been in his backpack.

“Wait,” Connor said pointing from the bags to Zoe. “You started doing pot?”

Zoe threw the first bag at him. “Of course not!”

“Then what are you doing with my weed?”

“Evan Hansen.”

“I don’t think he smokes pot either,” Connor said, not understanding what she was getting at.

“Of course not! He’s actually a good person, unlike you. And what the hell are you doing bringing his innocent person anywhere near drugs? Dad is convinced that he is your dealer.”

“What does this have to do with stealing my weed?”

“I wasn’t going to let you drag Evan into your black hole! You fucking bastard! I’m on to you. I don’t know why you are trying so hard to ruin my life, but I’m not going to let you.”

“Whatever,” Connor said, “Will you just get out of my room?”

“No. What the hell were you doing with Evan?”

“He just walked in, ok? I didn’t do anything to him.”

“Ok fine, but the story I want you to tell is that he was trying to talk you out of it.”

“Why should I do that?” Connor asked, standing up. However, it was true. Evan showing up gave Connor so many thoughts about why he shouldn’t be doing something like heroin.

“I will tell mom and dad that I found these on your bed when I dropped off your back pack,” Zoe said, holding the remaining bags of pot.

“Give me the rest of my stash,” Connor said, approaching Zoe. She held them away from her with her free arm.

“Only if you promise to confirm that story at school,” Zoe said.

“Fine, whatever. It’s not like anyone is going to ask me anyway.”

He went to grab the remaining bags, but she held him back. He was taller with longer arms. He had no idea how she was managing this.

“And, mom and dad will still operate under the belief that he is your drug dealer.”

“What?” Connor immediately stopped reaching for the bags.

“You heard me. Mom and dad are going to have a talk with you after dinner and Evan is your drug dealer.”

“But I thought you wanted to go out with him?”

“I’ll convince them it’s a different Evan if that ever happens.”

“If that ever happens, he’s totally—”

“CONNOR! ZOE! TIME FOR DINNER!” Mom’s voice came from downstairs.

Zoe tossed the bags on his bed and then left the room, leaving the door open. Connor stashed his weed in his hidey hole and then followed her downstairs.

 

Just as Zoe said, his parents held a conference with him in the living room after dinner.

“Alright, Connor,” mom started out. “We are very proud of you for being clean. After talking with a professional, I realized that confiscating every escape you had was only more likely to push you into harder drugs. So thank you for being strong enough to say no.”

Connor looked up in amazement as his mother presented him with his phone and laptop.

“I give these back to you if you promise to continue to stay away from drugs. Binge watch your favorite TV shows or youtube channels. I think those are all preferable methods of forgetting stress compared to getting high.”

That rarely had the same effect, but Connor appreciated having his computer back. He could see if Evan ever added him back. He hadn’t dared check in the computer lab in case Evan had actually rejected him.

“Thank you, mom,” Connor said sincerely.

He grabbed his phone and laptop and stood up to go upstairs.

“Hold on,” dad said. “I’m not done with you yet.”

Connor obediently sat back down. He didn’t want to lose his phone and computer already.

“I want you to avoid this boy you were arrested with. He seems to come from a rough background with no one answering his phone calls when he was arrested. According to Zoe, he was offering you heroin and you rejected it. He is clearly a bad influence. Will you promise to avoid him? What’s his name again?” Dad turned to look at his wife for an answer.

“David,” Zoe’s voice from the stairs supplied. “David Hansen. Yes, he is nothing but trouble.”

Connor looked up and glared at Zoe, but she glared at him straight back. Connor could play this game.

“Of course, dad. I can avoid ‘David’ Hansen.”

“Good, remember that drugs are an easy escape. The true path to happiness is hard work. I hope we can see an improvement in your classes now that your privileges are restored. Remember, a smartphone and computer are tools not toys. Use them responsibly.”

“Yes, dad,” Connor replied, hiding the fact that he was rolling his eyes by leaning forward and letting his hair drape in front of his face.

Connor then got up and went to his room. Seeing as his parents didn’t stop him, he figured he was fine. Zoe followed him to his room.

“If I see you with Evan again, I will tell mom and dad,” Zoe hissed.

Connor rolled his eyes. He could deal with that obstacle later. Now he needed to see if anyone missed him on social media or on his phone.

 

Needless to say, Connor was very depressed when he went to school the next day. No messages, no alerts. The biggest downer was that Evan hadn’t added him back. Connor wasn’t sure he could face Evan at lunch. He had gotten Evan arrested. If Evan hadn’t wanted to be his friend before that, he would definitely not want to be his friend afterwards.

Connor was high when the lunch bell rang. He was thinking about skipping the rest of the day to not make Evan feel worried when he didn’t show for lunch. He hid in an upstairs bathroom until the second lunch bell rang. That was usually the best time to try and run away from campus because you can just pretend you left your lunch in the car.

As he went down the stairs, he heard someone sniffing like they had been crying. It took him a bit longer to realize that Evan was the one crying, waiting for Connor underneath the stairs. Fuck. Evan was fucked up and it was all Connor’s fault. His phone buzzed.

 

 **Zoe** : Don’t have lunch with Evan. I’ll be watching.

 

“Fuck,” Connor spoke aloud before remembering he was close enough to Evan that Evan could hear him. He stomped in frustration and heard Evan get quiet. Connor knew he had to go see him, regardless of what Zoe said.

Connor looked down the halls and up the stairs before ducking under them and going to the back corner where it would be hard to be spotted. Evan watched him curiously, his eyes a bit red. Connor had no idea what he was doing here. He should have run off school grounds before this.

“What’s wrong?” Evan asked.

Connor was confused until he realized that he was very obviously hiding.

“You got your phone back,” Evan said, indicating Connor’s iPhone in his hand. “Does this mean you are going to spread my letter all over the school?”

Connor’s heart broke at Evan’s sincerity. He could fix this.

Connor sat next to Evan and opened his phone to his messages. He turned his phone so Evan could watch as he deleted all the messages from Evan’s phone number. He then went into his pictures and then even the recovery folders to delete every copy of the picture of the letter he had.

“I didn’t download them to my computer, so that should be all the copies,” Connor said, hoping Evan would trust him.

Evan stared at him, his mouth agape.

“I gotta go,” Connor said, moving to leave. He didn’t want to try Zoe today. To his surprise Evan grabbed his arm to stop him.

Evan also seemed surprised at his action and quickly let go. Connor stared at him, unsure what to make of the gesture. His heart was beating fast.

“Do you do art?” Evan asked.

Connor gave a noncommittal head wiggle.

“I need help with a project,” Evan said. “Can you help me?”

“Right now?” Connor asked, perplexed at the request.

“Sometime after school or this weekend,” Evan replied.

Connor heard footsteps enter the hallway. It was probably Zoe coming to check on Evan.

Connor handed him his iPhone. “Text yourself with it. I’ll come by and pick it up from you at the end of the day. No code, my parents…”

The footsteps stopped. Shit, Zoe probably heard his voice.

“Hide it!” Connor said, shoving Evan’s hand with the iPhone towards Evan’s backpack. Then he took off, confused at what had transpired between him and Evan. He was sure that if he wasn’t high that he would have been elated at such an encounter with Evan, but instead he was high and feeling like it all had been some weird dream.

However, when he finally was off the high, he noticed his iPhone was missing. He knew he had it back and he had the vague feeling that the dream had in fact been reality. He went and waited near Evan’s locker, not wanting to get Zoe upset by waiting by Evan’s locker.

Someone tapped him on the shoulder. Connor turned and saw Evan holding out Connor’s iPhone.

“Here’s this back,” Evan said, handing it over.

“Uh, thanks,” Connor replied lamely.

“See you later,” Evan said before heading to his locker.

Connor turned and ran. The feelings of butterflies, giddiness, and anticipation were too much to handle standing around looking bored in the hallway.


	11. Totally Evan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They plan their first date...I mean first time hanging out...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not god at chapter titles. Now I'm just going for lines that made me laugh. Enjoy!

Evan was very relieved when he got Connor’s phone back to him. He was fairly certain that Connor’s cell phone cost more than Evan’s laptop. He wasn’t sure if he did the right thing, but his mother had told him that he should invite Connor over sometime. It was just good that they had a task to accomplish so that they weren’t just sitting around awkwardly like they did whenever they did lunch together. He hoped Jared didn’t mind.

As soon as he walked in his front door, his phone rang. Jared was calling him.

“Evan! What happened today? I saw Connor left part way through lunch. What did he do with you this time?”

“Nothing.” Evan said irritably. He was getting tired of Jared being worried about Connor.

“Are you sure?”

“I’m sure,” Evan knew now that he couldn’t tell Jared about inviting Connor to help him with the project.

“Sorry, I’m just worried the school druggie slash shooter is going to do something because he is holding the letter over your head.”

“He isn’t.” The words were out of Evan’s mouth before he could stop them.

“What?” Jared asked in disbelief.

“He came during lunch to apologize for yesterday and delete the copies of the letter.”

“Shit, he’s got to be only pretending. Why would he do that?”

“I don’t think he is.”

“This is Connor Murphy. He threw a fucking printer at a teacher in second grade. What do you expect from him?”

“When are we working on the project?” Evan asked, hoping to get Jared’s mind off Connor.

Evan heard Jared sigh. “Thanks for reminding me…I had forgotten about it…Do you mind if I just leave it with you?”

Evan knew that meant that he expected Evan to do it by himself. “When does it need to be done by?”

“Next Wednesday, actually, before school.”

“Ok, just bring the instructions when you bring it over.”

“You are a saint, Evan. I forgot about it when planning my APUSH group meetings.”

“Whatever,” Evan replied, rolling his eyes. Then he realized that was something Connor did and he had picked up. He was very grateful that he hadn’t been video-chatting Jared.

“Thank you a bajillion! I’ll swing by on my way to the group meeting around six. See you, bye!”

“Bye.”

 

Upstairs on his computer he had a message from Alana.

 **Alana** : You missed the homecoming committee meeting yesterday.

 **Evan** : I’m sorry. I didn’t plan on missing.

 **Alana** : I know. You missed us voting on spirit week. Anyway, we have flyers all ready. Can you help pass them out?

 **Evan** : Where?

 **Alana** : Just post them around the school, on the lockers and such.

 **Evan** : Oh. Sure. When?

 **Alana** : After school tomorrow.

 **Evan** : Ok

 

Right as Evan clicked the send button on his last message his phone buzzed. He picked it up.

 

 **Unknown number** : Is this Evan? I’m guessing so, but you didn’t create a contact.

 **Evan** : Sorry.

 **Unknown number** : Totally Evan.

 **Evan** : Who is this?

 

Evan felt bad sending that, but he didn’t remember who it could be. There was another text before the one he just got, but it was just a finger-slam of letters. He hoped he wouldn’t offend the person, but when they didn’t immediately respond, Evan felt guilty. He didn’t want the person to think he didn’t want to talk to them because he didn’t know who it was when he was supposed to.

The doorbell rang, it was Jared coming by to drop off the art project. It was just like he had explained earlier. It was a backdrop for a show. They were supposed to paint stars on the posters to go up on the stage. He shouldn’t need anything other than the paint and posters he brought. To make it easier, a paper included the instructions that Jared told him. Simple enough. Hopefully Connor would be up for that.

Evan didn’t check his phone the moment he got back upstairs. It wasn’t until he was checking to see if it was time to go to bed that he saw that he had another message.

 

 **Unknown Number** : Connor

 

That’s right! Evan suddenly remembered he had texted himself with Connor’s phone so he could have his number. Evan immediately saved the number and then texted back.

**Evan** : Sorry.

 **Connor** : What are you apologizing for?

 **Evan** : I should have remembered that you would have been the person to text me.

 **Connor** : Whatever.

 **Connor** : When does the project need to be done?

 **Evan** : It needs to be done before school Wednesday. I just got the instructions and everything.

 **Connor** : What is it?

 **Evan** : A backdrop for a show. We need to paint stars on it.

 **Connor** : What constellations?

 **Evan** : What?

 **Conno** r: What constellations do they have sketched out for us to paint?

 **Evan** : Oh, the paper is just blank.

 **Connor** : Sweet! Can I choose which constellations we do and map it out?

 **Evan** : Sure

 **Connor** : What are the dimensions?

 

Evan took a picture of the instructions and sent it to him. He then was hit by a pang of worry that Connor would back out at the immensity of the project. Luckily, Connor texted back not much later.

 

 **Connor** : When are we doing this?

 **Evan** : Whenever. I just have to post flyers tomorrow after school.

 **Connor** : Can we devote our entire Saturday to this?

 **Evan** : Sure. At my place?

 **Connor** : Yes.

 **Evan** : See you.

 **Conno** r: Not at lunch, but Saturday.

 

A part of him wanted to ask why, but he decided against asking. It had backfired last time. Maybe Connor was tired of hanging out with him and it would devastating to hear it actually confirmed.

 

 **Evan** : Ok

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here the plot holes start showing as Connor clearly would already have had Evan's number and Evan would have had the blackmail conversation on his own phone. But yeah, this is still the old draft.


	12. Don't Say I Didn't Warn You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor and Evan's first date! I mean, first time hanging out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a continuation of the old unfinished draft.

Saturday Evan cleared out the living room and laid down the plastic his mother got to protect he carpet. She was happy he was having a friend over. She was sad that she had to work most of the day, but she hoped to come by about dinner time to meet Connor. Evan hoped that Connor wouldn’t be weirded out by his mother wanting to meet his friend…hopefully Connor felt that Evan was his friend by now.

After Evan had cleared out the room and got everything set up, he was worried that Connor wasn’t going to come. He was only five minutes late, but Evan wasn’t sure if he should have invited Connor. Something bad could happen.

He pulled out his phone, unsure if he should text Connor. Deciding that it would be more awkward for him to text Connor and then have him ring the door bell, Evan put his phone down.

Evan pulled out his laptop and started surfing the web while waiting, trying to not notice as the clock kept changing. At an hour late, Evan feared he would have to do the project all by himself.

Just as he got up to start the project all by himself, the doorbell rang.

He opened the door. It was Connor. Evan let out a sigh of relief.

“I overslept,” Connor said. He looked different, his hair pulled into a bun and in grey clothes instead of black. “And then I had to sneak out.”

“What?” Evan asked as he closed the door behind Connor.

“My parents aren’t happy about Monday, but they think you were the bad influence instead of me.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault my parents are idiots.”

“Oh.”

“Are those your paint clothes?”

“What?”

“We are going to get covered in paint for a project this big.”

“Oh, yeah, I can get this dirty.”

“Don’t say I didn’t warn you.” Connor said, taking the lead to the living room.

He then started organizing the papers and using a pencil and ruler to draw spots. Evan just stood and watched. He had never seen Connor totally involved in anything before. It was odd, but not in a bad way.

“Going to play any music?” Connor asked after a while.

“Oh, um, I guess, I didn’t think of that.”

“It would make it more fun. What do you like to listen to?”

“Oh, I usually just listen to study music videos on youtube.”

“Boring! Well, for this activity. Not trying to dis your music choice,” Connor said, awkwardly shifting his weight.

“What do you listen to?” Evan asked, figuring this was the next logical step. To his surprise, Connor went quiet and worked on a few more posters. Evan started to fidget, worried that he had asked an offensive question. Had he messed up? He was just trying to be friendly.

Connor looked up and his eyes widened when he saw Evan. Evan felt bad that he was making Connor uncomfortable. He was being a terrible host, standing around why he was working and asking the wrong questions. Connor got up and grabbed Evan by both shoulders.

“Cool it,” Connor said. “I just need you to promise you won’t tell anyone.”

“What?”

“If anyone found out, I would be more of a joke at school than I already am.”

Evan gave him a confused look and Connor went over and hooked his iPhone into the stereo system attached to the TV. Evan didn’t know you could attach a phone to it.

Connor went to press the play button, but paused dramatically mid-air and looked to Evan.

“Promise not to tell anyone?”

Evan nodded. He wasn’t planning on telling anyone that he and Connor hung out. The rumors were bad enough even though everyone thought Evan was just trying to stop Connor from doing drugs on Monday. If they found out about this, the school would go crazy.

Connor pressed the button and organ music began to play. Connor set down his phone and continued working, somewhat timing his pencil and ruler movements to the music. Evan was glad that Connor was enjoying himself, but now he felt awkward that Connor was working and Evan wasn’t.

Evan took a step towards Connor, “Um—”

“Don’t worry about it,” Connor said. “Let me finish the plan and then I’ll instruct you how to do the stars.”

“Ok,” Evan said when random operatic singing replaced the organ. He wasn’t sure he liked that, but he didn’t want to bother Connor since he was the one doing all the work now. Evan simply sat down and watched Connor work.

When the next song started, Connor started mouthing the words. Evan jumped when there was a scream.

“It’s a musical. They’ll talk and do other things too.” Connor explained.

“Oh,” Evan replied. He had only seen their schools production of Cinderella last year. It hadn’t been as dramatic as this one seemed to be. “What musical is this?”

“Phantom of the Opera,” Connor replied. “It’s my oldest favorite.”

“Oldest favorite?” Evan asked.

Connor looked up, “I have some other ones that I like and my call my favorite, but this one was the one that gave me a love of musicals. Therefore, I feel I have to give it the most credit as my oldest favorite.”

“Cool,” Evan replied as Connor went back to working. He periodically checked a paper from his pocket. That must be where he was knowing where to put all the dots and lines.

“Alright,” Connor said, standing up. “I’m done with the drafting. The center of each star is on the dot and based on the markings around it, that’s how many points the star will have.”

Evan looked at him with apprehension. He only knew how to draw five pointed stars, poorly.

Surprisingly, Connor smiled. “I’ll teach you. Don’t worry.”

He went and grabbed the paint and returned to where Evan was sitting. Then he grabbed Evan’s leg and began painting at the hem of his pants, explaining how to draw each of the stars. Evan watched with his eyes wide. He wasn’t sure he was going to be able to learn all those different stars.

When Connor was done, he handed over the paint brush and presented his arm. “Your turn to try. Don’t worry, they don’t have to be perfect. Stars are really just large balls of burning gas.”

Evan started drawing the one he felt he could do the best. Connor let him practice over and over again on his sleeve until he was comfortable. Then they moved to painting the posters, Connor pointing out the ones for the star that Evan now knew how to draw.

Seeing how happy Connor was mouthing along with the words, Evan wished he knew the same music as Connor so they could both be singing along with the music. Regardless, it was fun to be working on something with someone who seemed to enjoy the time they were spending together.

 

“Now it is drying time,” Connor said, as he put the finishing touches on the last star and took a step back, admiring all the work they did.

“We did it,” Evan said, exhausted. “Wow.”

“It’ll look better when we put them all in the right spots,” Connor said. “But now we need some fun drying music. You want to know my most recent favorite musical?”

“Yeah.”

“This one,” Connor pressed play on an album with a star on it. “I sometimes just shout out the cusswords when I listen to it to annoy my dad.”

Evan couldn’t help but laugh. “Why?”

“Because my dad thinks I’m broken because I don’t like sports. I once I asked if I could get tickets to Phantom of the Opera when it came to our area and he told me no and confiscated my Phantom CD that I bought with my allowance.”

“Oh.”

Connor shrugged. “He finally gave up over the summer after rehab, well, gave up trying to get me to do things he likes. How’s your relationship with your dad?”

“Oh, um, not very good. Uh.”

“Lay it out. I’ll hear you.”

“Oh, well, he a, he left…when I was seven.”

“That does suck, but it also sounds nice. I think I would rather have my father leave instead of get mad and me and tell me what a disappointment I am.”

“Maybe we could trade,” Evan said without thinking. “A dad who wants to do anything with me sounds great.”

Connor laughed. “If only. This house isn’t too bad. I might need to meet your mother before I decide to trade.”

Evan laughed too. “I don’t think she would agree to it.”

“I don’t think my parents would agree either, but you would be closer to Zoe.”

“But then I would be her brother.”

Laughing at the ridiculousness of trading places was where mom found the two of them when she got home from work.

“Sounds like something fun is happening here,” she called from the garage door. “I brought Chinese take-out, is that good for dinner?”

“Yeah,” Evan called out, looking to Connor for an affirmation after the fact. Connor nodded encouragingly.

Mom entered and set the bag of food down on the counter before making her way to the living room. “So you must be Connor.”

Connor stood up and took her extended hand to shake. “Yeah, I’m Connor.”

“Good to meet you finally,” mom said. “I saw your name on his cast the first day and realized I didn’t know who it was. Good to meet Evan’s friend finally.”

Connor leaned forward like he usually did to hide his face, but his hair was in a bun. Evan was surprised to watch as he blushed.

“Yeah, the first week was an interesting one,” Connor replied.

Mom looked to Evan as if to ask if Connor knew the actual details about the first week, but Evan shook his head so she wouldn’t bring it up.

“Well, it looks like you boys have worked up an appetite. Let’s have dinner.”

Evan marveled at the ease at which mom kept a conversation going the entire dinner with Connor, occasionally including Evan. Evan wondered if there would ever be a time where he could be as good a conversationalist as his mother.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finished the first full draft! Which means it is editing time and revision time for the full version of this fic.  
> However, in the process of writing the new draft, I got rid of the chapter that this fic title is named after. So...I'm open to name suggestions. Let me know what you think.  
> Also, I've been thinking of leaving this old draft up and uploading the new one as its own fic. Major plot points are the same, but the other version is rather different. What do you guys think about that?


	13. Singing In The Rain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor returns home from spending the day with Evan.

Connor was in such a good mood when he left the Hansen’s that he turned on Singing in the Rain and danced the few steps he had tried to learn from a YouTube video. He could not believe it. He had an entire day with Evan and they just had fun together. Connor had not imagined that it would have gone that well when he left that morning.

He got a little self-conscious when he made it to his street with his painted jacket on. What if his parents saw? What would they say?

He took it off and draped it over his offending arm when he was two houses away. There was no telling what mood his parents would be after discovering he had run off all day. He didn’t want them to take too much interest in him.

He entered the front door as it was usually far enough from the kitchen and office that his parents wouldn’t see him very well. He undid his bun as he crossed the threshold. He made it up the stairs without being noticed. There was a slim chance the he wouldn’t get in trouble at all for sneaking out.

He opened the door to his bedroom.

“MOM! DAD! CONNOR’S HOME!” Zoe called from her room, sprawled out on her bed.

“Fuck you, Zoe!” Connor called back as he entered his room and slammed the door shut. He quickly hid his painted jacket in his hidey hole and grabbed his usual one and pulled it on as his parents’ voices called him from downstairs.

He checked his appearance once more to make sure nothing else was out of the usual. There were a few silver paint marks on his pants, but he didn’t have time to change before his parents got upset. Hopefully no one in his family discovered that Evan did a project involving silver paint like the one on his pants. Luckily the stars were only on the jacket he stowed away.

Zoe watched him as he went downstairs to report to mom and dad. He spun a lie about spending the day in the park to enjoy the last few days of warm weather before fall came. His parents bought it, but he could tell they were skeptical. It didn’t matter, as long as they didn’t ground him from his phone he would be happy.

He laid down on his bed and pulled out his phone. He wasn’t sure if he should send a text, but, at the same time, he really wanted to. Since he was still in a good mood, he decided to send it anyway.

 

 **Loser (Me):** Thanks for a great day, Evan. Can I call you my friend now?

 

Connor took a minute before finally pressing the send button, but as soon as he sent it he was filled with excited jitters. Maybe life wasn’t going to be that bad after all.

To ruin his good mood, Zoe barged into his room.

“What are you so happy about?” She asked, eyeing him suspiciously.

“None of your business,” Connor barked, his expression immediately hardened again. “Leave me alone.”

“Spent the day with a cute girl?”

“Shut up!”

“Who would tolerate you?”

“Shut the fuck up or I’ll tell the whole school you are crushing on Evan.”

“That’s not actually a bad thing, Connor. It would only help Evan not be so clueless.”

“Then why don’t you want me to hang out with him and tell him?”

“Because I am in control of my own love life and I don’t need you meddling in it or thinking you control it or whatever.”

“Fuck, it isn’t meddling. It’s being a wingman or some shit,” Connor spat. “Now get out of my room!”

His phone buzzed. Zoe eyed it and he quickly grabbed it so she couldn’t see who the text was from.

“Who is texting you? Don’t you normally have zero missed messages when you get your phone back after a month?”

“Shut the fuck up and leave my fucking room!” Connor shouted. It was loud enough for the parents to get involved.

“Zoe, stop provoking your brother!” Mother called up.

“He was lying! He spent all day with a girl!” Zoe called down as she left Connor’s room, slamming the door.

Connor didn’t care. He figured his parents wouldn’t be upset to hear he was spending time with a girl. He unlocked his phone to read the message from Evan.

 

 **Evan** : I consider you my friend. Thanks for coming over. Sorry for dragging you into a big assignment, but I appreciate your assistance.

 **Loser (Me):** Fuck, Evan. I enjoyed it. Don’t worry about apologizing. I had fun painting stars. The most fun I’ve had in years. What performance was it for? We should go together to admire our handiwork.

 

Connor couldn’t believe he just sent that text. If Evan was a girl that would totally count as asking him on a date. Of course, it wasn’t the case in this situation because Evan liked Zoe, but it still would be fun to go together.

 

 **Evan** : I’m not sure. I’ll have to ask Jared.

 **Loser (Me):** What the fuck? Did that loser assign you to do that all by yourself? That kills. I’m glad you asked me so you didn’t have to drown under the project.

 

Evan didn’t respond…maybe he shouldn’t have been that rude about Jared. He and Jared were friends or something, weren’t they? Regardless, it was the truth.

He overheard snippets of a yelled argument with Zoe. It was mostly yelling because Zoe was standing at the top of the stairs instead of going down and actually talking with mom and dad. He figured she did that to annoy him. He plugged his headphones back in and began to listen to Phantom again. It was definitely a Phantom day.

Knowing his parents didn’t really respect his privacy and that Zoe was paranoid about Connor ‘corrupting’ Evan, Connor changed Evan’s name in his contacts. Since Zoe was going on about Connor texting a girl, Connor decided to re-name Evan’s contact to Karen, as it was the first female name to come to his mind.

 

 **Karen** : It’s actually the jazz band concert. I didn’t realize that.

 **Loser (Me):** Fuck. Nevermind.

 **Karen** : What?

 **Loser (Me):** Remember Monday? My parents will flip if they see us even interact at the concert.

 **Karen** : Oh yeah, that’s good.

 **Loser (Me):** Sorry. But enjoy watching Zoe perform in front of our masterpiece.

 **Karen** : Are you not going to go?

 **Loser (Me):** Only if my parents drag me.

 **Karen** : Oh.

 

Connor felt so bad bailing on him.

 

 **Loser (Me):** Maybe I can show up to see our artwork finally pieced together, but I won’t say hi.

 **Karen** : Ok

 

Connor felt so heartbroken about Evan being let down about going to the concert together, but he couldn’t change anything. He wasn’t sure how he could reply without being too obvious that he cared about Evan as more than a friend because he didn’t want to ruin his new friendship. So he didn’t reply and felt guilty about it during lunch Monday and Tuesday when he hid out in the woods during lunch.


	14. You'll Only Hurt Him

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The jazz concert and Connor gets in trouble.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for being MIA recently. It happens.

Wednesday night, Connor couldn’t stay away from the auditorium where they were setting up for the jazz band concert. He wasn’t going to, but he wanted to see his masterpiece put together. Plus Evan was cute while he was working on putting up the posters.

He noticed that Evan had mixed up squares 6 and 9, so he pulled out his phone.

 

 **Loser (Me):** Posters 9 and 6 are switched. I should’ve put a line under the numbers.

 **Karen** : Oh, yeah. Sorry.

 **Loser (Me):** Don't apologize for my mistake.

 **Karen** : Sorry

 **Loser (M** e): lol. I guess I’ll get a sorry every time I tell you to stop, huh?

 **Karen** : Sorry.

 **Loser (Me):** I accept your apology.

 **Loser (Me):** lol

 

Evan glimpsed at him and Connor swore he had a smirk on his face before he went to flip the posters. Connor couldn’t help but smile. He then went back to looking up silly memes, fighting the urge to send them to Evan. He didn’t know Evan’s sense of humor fully and wasn’t ready to check it, especially in such a public space.

Zoe came by and snatched his phone from his hand.

“What the hell?” Connor demanded, jumping up to try and snatch his phone back, but Zoe had mad keep-away skills.

“Cool it, Connor,” Zoe said, retreating towards the stage. “I lost my phone. I’ll give it back once I find my phone.”

“No!” Connor protested, but she had already slipped backstage and he didn’t feel comfortable going on the stage. He kicked the stairs leading up to the stage before huffily sitting in his chair in the back.

He needed to be better at keeping his guard. He must have gotten slack because he never hung around where anyone would dare interact with him...save jaunts. Most people were afraid of him.

Zoe took closer to a half hour before returning his phone, but Connor didn’t mind as he was distracted with watching Evan. He decided he would stay for the concert so he could see what Evan’s face looked like when watching the person he was enamored with. 

He was not disappointed. He couldn’t help but wish someone would look at him with such attention and interest, but no, he was to always get glares and stares.

He pushed those thoughts from his mind to enjoy the view of Evan’s face without reflecting on his curse that made everyone hate him. He had some borrowed time to enjoy spending with Evan. That was all.

The ride home with Zoe was silent. Connor had watched Zoe and Evan talk after the concert. It didn’t seem like he really had much else to do to help them together, but he did text and ask Evan if he asked Zoe to homecoming yet. Evan still hadn’t answered by the time they pulled in the driveway.

Connor was in a good mood when he entered the house after Zoe, but the sight of his mother and father sitting on the couch sucked it out in an instant.

“Connor, please come over here and talk with us.”

Fuck. What had he done wrong? He skipped third period, but that was because he saw the teacher take a breath to steel herself when he entered the classroom. Besides, missing only one class was an improvement for him.

Connor took the seat indicated across from them as instructed. Even if Zoe had looked through his texts, she didn’t have time to tell his parents or prove that it was the same person he had been arrested with. He had no idea what they were going to say.

“So,” his father said unhelpfully.

“So what?”

“Do not give us attitude, Connor,” mom said.

“The f—that wasn’t attitude. I don’t know why you stopped me. I went to Zoe’s concert. So what?”

“Connor, don’t make this more difficult. You know exactly why we are having this conversation.”

“I fucking do not!” It was too hard to not yell.

“That is no way to speak to your parents,” mom said while dad cut in.

“We looked up your text message history.”

Connor leaned his head forward to hide the blush he felt rising.

“Fine, I have a new friend.”

“We told you not to hang out with him.”

“I’m the bad influence, not him. I promise, he was talking me out of it.”

“Talking you out of it?” His father asked as he picked up a piece of paper from the side table. He then read, “‘You want to shoot up today like we did on Saturday? I’ve got some new stuff.’”

Connor looked at his father, dumbfounded. He had no recollection of ever receiving such a text.

“I hope you had fun today, Connor,” his father continued. “Because you aren’t leaving this house for a week. I will take back your phone and computer until we find an effective way to block this delinquent from your life.”

“He isn’t a delinquent!” Connor shouted, standing up. “I’m the delinquent! He’s innocent and I’m filthy! He’s a good influence!”

“Sit down and shut up this instant, Connor,” father said. “The evidence clearly shows that is not the case.”

Connor didn’t sit down. He chucked his phone at the couch next to his parents and stormed out of his room. Zoe had to be behind this. He knew it. Something happened when she borrowed his phone.

He hit her door.

“Fuck you Zoe! I’m gonna fucking kill you! You-you barge rat! You’re filthier than the rats that carried the Black Plague! I’ll get you back for this! You’ll regret it!”

Suddenly a firm hand was on his shoulder. His father had come up. Presumably because Connor hadn’t stopped shouting when his mother called up to him. Connor stopped hitting and kicking and shouting under his father’s stern glare.

“Here I thought you were improving. Passing a drug test and not skipping class every day. Proves the bar is too low to really be indicative of anything.”

They both turned and entered Connor’s room where he retrieved his laptop and handed it over to his father. His father left and Connor slammed the door as hard as he could behind him.

He threw himself on his bed and just made angry noises because he knew it annoyed everyone else in the house, but it was the only outlet he had left. When he finally quieted, he noticed a note someone had slipped under his door. He opened it and recognized Zoe’s handwriting.

“You know exactly why I did this. I told you to stay away from Evan Hansen. He doesn’t deserve to be pulled into the disaster that is your life. You’ll only hurt him.”

Darkness and tears fell on Connor. He knew it was true. All it would take is one mess up and he would end up hurting Evan, both emotionally and physically. What was he playing at thinking he could be friends with Evan? It was all a lie.

The truth hurt too much. Connor grabbed his pot and knife and shoved them into his pockets before going to his window. It was time to go to the park to visit his isolated bench.


	15. I Like Trees

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared confronts Evan about Connor and the backdrop.

Connor had texted. Evan went to unlock his phone when Jared came up. He hastily shoved his phone in his pocket before Jared could see who texted. He didn’t want to get into another argument over Connor.

“Ready to go?”

Evan nodded.

As soon as they left the parking lot, Jared got serious. Something he rarely did.

“I need to talk to you about something.”

Evan reminded himself to keep cool. He took a few deep breaths to steel himself.

“You need to stop hanging out with Connor,” Jared said.

“I’m not!”

“The stars were in Connor’s favorite constellation and in the way that he draws stars.”

“How do you know that?”

“Zoe was asking about it.”

“I guess I just happened to pick the constellations Connor likes. I didn’t know.”

“Evan, you’ve been texting him.”

“I have not.”

“Dude, he offered you heroin. He is dangerous to be around.”

“Yeah, which is why I haven’t since he kindly deleted my therapy letter,” Evan lied defiantly.

Jared sighed, he wasn’t buying. “Just promise me you won’t hang out with him anymore,” Jared pleaded.

“I’m not hanging out with him,” Evan said, refusing to admit to his lie.

Jared put the car in park at a stop sign on a residential road.

“Evan, I know for a fact that you are lying. For the first time, I am actually doing this for you and for no ulterior motive. Can you at least admit that you are putting yourself in danger?”

A car honked behind them and Jared turned on the hazard lights, but Evan didn’t reply.

“Evan! What is wrong with you? Do you want to be addicted drugs, get a criminal record, and spend the rest of your life in an out of jail? Because that is where Connor is heading. He is always high. He is violent. He blackmailed you. He is not your friend.”

“If he’s not my friend, then neither are you because bribes aren’t too different from blackmail.”

Jared suddenly put the car back into drive, causing a second car that was trying to get around them to honk and stop in the middle of the intersection to not hit them.

Jared didn’t say another word. He stopped abruptly in front of Evan’s house.

Evan hastily undid his seatbelt and exited the car. Jared had already started pulling away before Evan had closed the passenger door. Evan didn’t know what to make of it, but it seemed to not bode well for his friendship with Jared. Well, it wasn’t a real friendship any way. After all, they were just ‘family friends’.

Evan closed the door to his house. Jared was so confusing. Luckily he had a real friend now, someone who didn’t stick around to pay for his car insurance.

Evan pulled out his phone to finally read the text from Connor.

 

 **Connor** : Did you ask Zoe to homecoming yet?

 

Evan rolled his eyes. He wasn’t ready for that. There was too much at risk. What if Zoe already had a date? What if Zoe hates dances? What if the tickets to homecoming sell out before he got a ticket? What if Zoe would rather go to homecoming with a homeless man than with him?

 

 **Evan** : No!

 

After sending the text, Evan felt like he might need to send more context. He drafted a lengthy text:

“I can’t ask Zoe to homecoming because I don’t know if she likes dancing and going to dances, especially school dances. There’s a lot of stress involved with school dances. Everyone knows you and sees you and who you are with and how you dance and how you don’t know the words to all the popular songs or how to dance to certain types of music or how to dance with a partner. What if Zoe doesn’t want to be seen with a loser like me? What if I pass out the first slow song that plays like I did in freshman history giving the presentation? I can’t ask Zoe. I’m not cool enough. I’m not confident enough. She won’t even like me.”

Evan stared at it for a long time. It didn’t really make sense and he felt like he might need to mention about how his palms might be too sweaty and Zoe would be repulsed and think something was wrong with him. He deleted the text to start it again, but the words didn’t come this time.

Evan laid down for bed and thought about homecoming. Everyone’s eyes on him as he tried to dance with Zoe, his palms too sweaty, Zoe telling him that he can’t dance because his hands were too wet. Evan looked at his hands which were actually slugs. He tried to apologize, but Zoe had turned into Alana who was yelling at him for failing in helping with the decorations. Evan tried to explain that he had helped paint the stars for the jazz band, but then he realized that Alana had asked him to paint a mosaic of the founding fathers out of confetti in the cafeteria. Evan quickly ran over to pick up pieces of confetti to begin working on it, but the confetti dissolved in his sweaty hands. He woke up in a sweat. Maybe going to homecoming was a bad idea.

Evan pulled out his phone to text Connor.

 

 **Evan** : No, I don’t want to ask Zoe to homecoming because I don’t think I would be comfortable at homecoming. Maybe I could ask her over to play a game or for dinner or something. I don’t want to go to homecoming.

 

Evan heard his mother come in when he clicked send. He had a few tears in his eyes from the thought of how disastrously things would go at homecoming, he didn’t want his mother to know and get worried. He quickly set his phone down and turned his head to be away from the door as he heard his mother’s footsteps approaching.

Surprisingly, he slipped into sleep before his mother opened his door.

 

Evan got roped into helping set up the chairs for a performance at the school Saturday during homecoming committee meeting. Alana had asked him for a favor and he couldn't say no, just like when she asked him to join the homecoming committee. He needed to do a better job of avoiding Alana if he didn't want to get stuck doing stuff for every school activity.

As he walked to the school Saturday morning, he reflected on how he hadn't seen Connor since the jazz concert. It was mildly concerning, but he knew it was because Connor didn't think of Evan as a real friend. In fact, Connor likely only deleted the picture of the letter to release Evan from the blackmail so he wouldn't have to spend time with Evan. Evan had acted rashly in telling Jared off. Family friend was better than no friend. But Jared would be back...though it would only be when he needed car insurance again. It was always how it was. And while Evan wasn't sure what time of month that was, it would only be at most a month before Jared would go back to responding to Evan's texts and acknowledging him at school.

When Evan got to the school, the gates were locked. Evan checked his watch and saw that he was late, so he must have missed something. Had the venue changed? Had the time changed? He leaned against the gate and sat down in the grass and pulled out his phone to text Alana.

 

 **Evan:** Did I show up too early to set up chairs?

 

While waiting for a response, Evan looked up at the cloudy sky. It reminded him of when he broke his arm over the summer. All alone in the middle of the park. This week was feeling rather similar. He opened his messages to his conversation with Connor.

 

 **Evan** : Are we still friends?

 

He had to wipe away a tear after sending that text. He knew he would bug Connor more by sending that text, but he just needed to know.

After what seemed like forever, which really didn’t even encompass five minutes, Alana texted back.

 

 **Alana:** Are you at the school?

 **Alana:** What are you doing at the school? Oh, you volunteered to help set up before the dance in two weeks, not today.

 **Alana:** Do you need a ride back home?

 **Evan:** No, I have a ride. Sorry, I didn’t realize you meant two Saturdays from now.

 **Alana:** No problem. Thanks for being so willing and eager to help. Sorry for the confusion.

 

Evan felt stupid as he started walking home. How could he have been so foolish to not remember that it was at a homecoming committee meeting and thus had to be something to do with homecoming? He was exceedingly cross with himself by the time he made it home.

When he opened the door to his house, he heard laughter.

“Evan?” His mother asked. “Is that you? Where did you go?”

“Yeah, it’s me. Don’t you have work? What are you doing home?” Evan asked, jostled by the laughter and presence of his mother when he expected her to be at work.

“Oh, I have this Saturday off so I went to the grocery store when I couldn’t sleep this morning. Look who I found.”

Evan entered the kitchen and smiled at the sight.

“Connor!”

For the first time in his life, Evan actually went to hug a friend, but then he realized it would be weird and stopped. Instead they did a weirder handshake where they grabbed each other’s forearms and patted each other’s elbows.

“I think there is something wrong with my phone,” Connor said, pulling his phone out.

“What do you mean?” Evan said, taking a seat at the table like everyone else.

Connor opened up Evan’s contact and typed something in the textbox before clicking send. The message looked like it had been delivered, so Evan pulled out his phone and waited for it to arrive.

“Why don’t you try sending me a text?” Connor said a few minutes later when nothing had made it through yet.

Evan quickly wrote a text saying hi, sent it, and closed the texting app so that Connor couldn’t see his needy text asking if they were still friends. It seemed foolish now that they were back in each other’s company.

“Our phones just aren’t communicating anymore,” Connor said. “It’s weird.”

Evan nodded.

“I would volunteer to swap phones and all, but that would be too consuming for work,” mom said.

“No, don’t worry about it,” Evan immediately spilled out. “It’s not like we have anything important to text people like you do for work and classes.”

“Is this going to be like elementary school where I have to coordinate the playdates?” Mom asked with a laugh.

“Or we can just agree ahead of time…” Connor suggested. “Like they did in the old days before cell phones.”

“Hey, it wasn’t that long ago…” mom started, “but I guess it was before you were born.”

Mom started laughing and then Connor and Evan joined in.

“So, Evan,” mom said as soon as the laughing died down. “Connor tells me that there is a special someone you want to ask to homecoming.”

“I, uh—” his nightmare from last night flashed in his eyes.

“No, it’s ok to be frightened of asking a girl to homecoming. It’s perfectly normal.” Mom said. “What’s her name?”

“Zoe,” slipped out of Evan’s mouth before he could stop it. “But I don’t want to ask her to homecoming!”

“It’s ok,” mom said. “You’re in high school. You can make a poster with candy bars instead of having to say the words. It’s a great way to learn how to ask out girls.”

Evan gaped at his mother.

“I know it is a terrifying thought, but it is good to put yourself out there sometimes. You can do it!”

“But what if they run out of homecoming dance tickets?”

“You can buy the tickets when they first go on sale and then ask her the next day.”

Evan thought about telling them he was terrified of the thought of going to the dance in general, but he didn’t want Connor to think he was a coward.

“I can come by the day you get the tickets after school and help make the poster,” Connor said when Evan hadn’t replied.

“Yeah, the dance is in two weeks,” mom said. “You have to give Zoe enough time to find a dress and then for you to get a tie that matches.”

“I, uh, uh, ok.”

“That’s the spirit! Now what are you boys going to do today?”

“Looking up homecoming poster ideas, I suppose,” Connor said.

And that’s what they did, getting distracted on YouTube and Wikipedia here and there. Evan still didn’t want to go to homecoming, but he felt he would disappoint Connor and his mother if he didn’t ask Zoe and go. Maybe he was being unreasonable, maybe homecoming wouldn’t be that bad.

 

On Monday, a note fell from Evan’s locker when he grabbed his lunch. He picked it up.

“ _Evan, I’m sorry to have gone back on our lunch agreement. My sister has been reporting to my parents whenever she sees us together because my parents want me to avoid you. If you want to hang out for lunch, I’ll be in the woods between the football and baseball fields. If not, I understand. -Connor_ ”

Evan thought it would be great to have lunch together again. He grabbed his lunch and headed out to the fields. It wasn’t like they weren’t allowed to eat outside, but Evan felt a little nervous going so far away from the building.

As he got into the woods and spotted Connor waving, he wasn’t nervous anymore.

“You came?” Connor asked.

“Yeah,” Evan said. “I missed having lunch with my friend. Besides, I like trees.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am on the verge of being ready to post the completely revised version of this fic. I have decided to put it in its own separate story and I will let you know in the notes of this story when I have the new version posted.


	16. Were you in the woods with Evan Hansen?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor is depressed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry guys, I had the flu. It really puts a damper on productivity and I'm sorry for the delay.

Connor let Evan head up to school by himself. Mostly because he knew word would get around school if people saw them leave the woods together to head to class and that would get to Zoe who would tell his parents...the second implication Connor wouldn’t have minded. In fact, it was something he was going to think about to pass the time before he decided to go back to class.

If the school saw them coming out of the woods together, they would assume they had gone there to make out or something. Connor hadn’t come out to anyone yet. Partially because part of him felt like it wasn’t necessary to come out, but also he didn’t have anyone he felt comfortable sharing that intimate of information with. His father would call him attention seeking, his mother would tell him he was too young to really understand what he was talking about, and Zoe would shove him out of her room before he could even say anything.

What if he came out to Evan by asking him to homecoming? When he went over to his place to help make the poster, he could bring an already made poster. Ask Evan to homecoming in the privacy of his house. Connor imagined Evan saying, “Actually yeah, I think I’d rather go to homecoming with you than with Zoe.” But it immediately shattered when Connor remembered that Evan liked Zoe, not him.

Eager to not get grounded, so he could spend more time with Evan, Connor headed out to the woods and headed back into school, for once not cursing the too sunny weather. Unfortunately someone decided it would be a good idea to stand in front of the school doors.

“Get out of my way!” He said or maybe yelled. Sometimes it was hard for him to tell the difference.

“Wait, were you in the woods with Evan Hansen?” The girl asked. Connor recognized her as his science partner last year.

“No,” Connor said as incredulously as he could muster. “Why would he hang out with me?”

“People are saying you worked together on the backdrop for the jazz concert last week.”

Connor gave her a scathing look. “As if, now fuck off!”

Connor pushed past her to enter the building. He had opened the door when he thought he heard a sniffle. He turned to see the girl sobbing.

“What the fuck?” He demanded. He had just told her to leave him alone, why was she crying?

“No, don’t worry about this,” she said, wiping away a tear. “It’s just stress. You know school, student council committees, making sure to get in the right number of service hours, homecoming—”

“Why are you worried about homecoming?” Connor asked. It was definitely an optional event that no one would put on their resume.

“My biggest concern is that no one will ask me to homecoming and I won’t have a date, but there’s also—”

“Then just ask someone and stop worrying what other people are doing. Take control of your life,” Connor wasn’t sure why he was passing on one of the pieces of advice he never actually found helpful, but it seemed like the right thing to say.

“Thanks, Connor,” she said, looking like she actually meant it. “I hadn’t thought of that as an option.”

“Don't mention it,” he replied, entering the school. He might have chatted more, but she knew his name and he couldn’t remember hers and that made it awkward.

He felt subdued the rest of the day. The thought that he would never like someone who was able to like him back in the same way just nagged at him. Something about being gay and only falling for straight guys just didn’t seem to bode well for him. Also the fact that he only had one friend also didn’t bode well for attracting anyone, romantically or platonically. It looked even grimmer when he remembered that he only became friends with Evan because he blackmailed him.

Connor felt like an empty shell by dinner time.

“I guess we just needed to ground him from school for a few days to get the right response,” dad told mom during dinner that night.

Connor glanced up at them in shock before going back to silently eating.

“I think it is too early to tell, but what makes you say that?” Mom said, eyeing Connor nervously.

Dad showed that he was checking his email on his phone in his lap while eating dinner. “His English teacher just emailed and said that he behaved well in class this afternoon.”

Connor’s breath caught, but he tried to regulate it. Dinner would be over soon enough and he could escape to his room. Of course, the only time he was considered good was when he was so depressed that he couldn’t get himself to talk or do much of anything. No one liked Connor for being Connor. He was only tolerable when he acted like a night stand instead of a person.

“Mrs. Soaper said that?” Zoe asked. “That really means something.”

Connor couldn’t wait for lunchtime tomorrow.

 

“What’s wrong?” Evan asked, after joining Connor for a second day of lunch in the woods.

“What do you mean what’s wrong?”

“You don’t seem yourself.”

“And you’re the expert on who I am?” Connor snapped back in surprise. He had been worrying that Evan would prefer the subdued version of Connor as well.

“No, I just...yesterday you were livelier. It seemed like you were enjoying yourself. I just was wondering if there was a reason you weren’t like that today.”

“When do homecoming tickets go on sale?” Connor didn’t want to talk about how he was feeling.

“Tomorrow,” Evan obliged the topic change without resistance.

“So I can come over to your house tomorrow for us to make the poster for Zoe?” Connor asked, business as usual. Help Evan and Zoe get together and disappear.

“Yeah, whenever. My mom will be home until 6pm, but she doesn’t care if you come over when she isn’t there. It’s just, I felt it was something relevant to say.”

Connor smiled. “Don’t worry, I’ll be over unless my parents throw another fit.”

“Thanks,” Evan said, and, just like the girl yesterday, he looked like he meant it.

Connor felt like the prospect of spending more time with Evan should excite him, but it didn’t today.

“You don’t have to come over if you don’t want to,” Evan said.

“No, I do,” Connor said, realizing his mood was soiling Evan’s. “I’m just feeling out of it.”

“Oh,” Evan replied.

“It’s nothing to do with you, don’t worry about it,” Connor said, guilt flowing in again. He was trying to be friendly, but in the end he was just making Evan’s day worse.

“Ok.”

They sat in awkward silence for several minutes. Connor couldn’t stand it. It was his fault. He shouldn’t be upset. He had a friend. Evan was his friend. He should be happy to be spending time with him again.

Eventually it was too much. Connor couldn’t handle it.

“I need to go...finish homework in the computer lab. I’ll, uh, see you tomorrow at lunch,” Connor said standing up and grabbing his backpack.

“See you tomorrow,” Evan said.

Connor felt bad about leaving him, but he felt bad sitting around bringing Evan down. When he got to the computer lab he did remember that there was a history project due this week that he hadn’t started. He may as well get started on it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this fanfic is officially going on hiatus to not spoil the ending to There's No Map (if you really want me to finish posting this one, I might consider it once There's No Map is fully uploaded), the newer version of this fanfic. You'll have to be patient until we catch up this far in the newer version, but I think the new additions will be worth it. Come check it out!

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know if I have grammar errors. My eyes aren't the best at catching them in my own writing.  
> This is my first time posting without finishing the work first....so I ran into a bit of a bump in the road. Someone told me they would like to see my old draft posted as I write up a more fully fleshed version so this is what I am doing. I'll let you know when I start posting the new version starting with chapter 1. It'll probably be a couple of months, sorry.


End file.
